You're the Worst
Wednesdays 10:30 PM on FXXYou're the Worst Quotes
Hm. Maybe I should be more direct. I mean with Lindsay, I got friend-zoned for life. One time she texted me, "Yo girl, wanna get brunch?"
Edgar
Jimmy: So why'd you bring the phone?
Gretchen: Oh, I... I like to play Snake while I cry.
Jimmy: Ah. Well, that's a classic game, that.
Lindsay: Wait! Vernon? Do you think I'm useless?
Vernon: You might not be useful in the tradish sense but you're a good friend and you make people happy.
Jimmy: Look, just tell me -- are you her side bitch?
Sam: What? Hell no! Bitch eats floor candy. Ain't seen a foreign film in a decade.
Jimmy: Do you know why she has a burner?
Sam: Oh, the God Phone? I gave her that because sleepy bitches don't deserve regular phones. She didn't tell you about my clever speech?
I am going to the bathroom. And when I get back, you're going to take me to a real bar and feed me cheap whisky until I forget about that time that I stopped being able to have sex with my boyfriend ever again because he took me to a bar that only served water!
Gretchen
For my birthday, they gave me a mug. It looked like it had a bunch of inkblots on it. Turns out they had gone to Color Me Mine, dipped their balls in paint and tea-bagged the mug a bunch of times.
Dorothy
Jimmy: Gretchen keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night. Do you know where she's going?
Lindsay: Probably got a side bitch.
Paul took care of all that garbage. And now I don't have power. I don't have hot water. I don't have TV. I'm like a frontierswoman. I'm like Reese Witherspoon in that commercial for backpacks.
Lindsay
I hope she gets pregnancy 'roids and they leave her bed-ridden and I have to raise her baby myself. I'd parent the shit out of her. "Wear that skirt. Don't blow that boy. This is pizza."
Lindsay
Improv guy: You wanna end the heckle with the meanest part of the joke.
Jimmy: "Improve comedy... kill yourselves." Wow, that's really good.
Lindsay: I need wine.
Gretchen: C'mere, dumb-dumb. Let's watch some garbage TV and get our minds off of it. Which one of the Real Housewives are the stupidest?
Lindsay: All of them, because they're wives. But really it's New Jersey.
She's finger-singing Beyonce?!
Lindsay
