Better Off Ted Quotes

General McMillan: A body like a young Mark Spitz. Ted: Well, thank you, General. I can’t hear that enough. Although, five times is…

Veronica: I’ve put Rose so far ahead there’s no way anyone can catch her. Although, there’s a 3% chance she could end up in jail. Ted:…

Ted: You stole a baby? Linda: Only for a few seconds. Turns out, just because you write your name on something doesn’t mean you get to…

Ted: But I know I could beat Veronica. At the company picnic, I beat her in a three-legged race. Although we both lost to something Phil…

Phil: Linda, you can’t hurt a baby. Lem: Well, you can hurt them. They’re not indestructible. Phil: I meant it’s morally indefensible….

Ted: We’ll let Cynthia win. Come on. Mickey will wear her ears. Rose: Thank you, Daddy. Could I sleep with the lights on tonight? Ted: It…

Ted: Veronica and I sold so much wrapping paper, not only are you going to Disneyland, but Mickey’s gonna be wearing your ears on his…

Lem: You know how when you accidentally dose someone, like with an experimental energy patch, and you hope they’ll sit quietly at their…

Ted: We work well together. Like Batman and… Veronica: I’m Batman. Ted: Well, it was my idea. I think… Veronica: I’m Batman and Robin

Lem: Do you think wildly erratic emotions could be a residual effect of the energy patch? Phil: Hard to tell. This is the problem when…