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Best of Family Guy Season Five Quotes

by at . Comments

During Family Guy's fifth season we were treated to guest "appearances" by two Presidents (Bill Clinton and George W.), saw the return of the chicken, met the Jillian, and even saw what it would look like if Lois married Quagmire.

Bill Clinton on Family Guy

Along the way, we were also treated to some pretty impressive Family Guy quotes.  If you couldn't tell from this post's title, that's what we're here to discuss.

So now, sit back, throw away your morals and get ready to laugh at the biggest collection of Family Guy season five quotes ever put together in one spot.  Our favorites are featured below:

Peter: I guess I've learned a little something about what it means to be a good dad.
Chris: Hey, dad, do you want to play baseball?
Peter: Oh my God, could you leave me alone?! You are the neediest kid! | permalink
Peter: Hmm...I'm still not sure.
Car Salesman: Did I mention the tank is a tank?
Peter: Sold! | permalink
Stewie: What are you doing?
Brian: What does it look like? I'm leaving.
Stewie: You can't leave. That's desertion! They'll come after you like Peter came after that hockey coach! (Pause) No clip? Huh. Thought we had a clip. | permalink
Stewie: Alright Brian, you can do this. You can dump her, because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection? At the end of every sentence?
Brian: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking? Oh dammit, now I'm doing it too! | permalink
Lois: Peter, do you know that they are not teaching sex-ed at Chris's school?
Peter: Eh, let em figure it out the way I had to. With a can of crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way Lois, that's the natural way. | permalink
Lois: Oh Brian, it is so nice of you to take Meg to this dance. It really means a lot to her.
Brian: Ya got any weed?
Lois: I put it in your coat pocket. | permalink
Brian: I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear.
Stewie: Brian, I'm one!
Brian: Still?
Stewie: What? | permalink
Peter: Uh, Meg, uh, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg: That's not right.
Peter: So... less...? more...? Too many...? Not enough...?
Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg: I'm going to be 17, you jerks!
(Meg leaves her room)
Peter: She's the jerk. | permalink
Lois: Peter, what the hell is that?
Peter: Lois, I'm tired of Mort always mooching off us, so I made a Scarejew.
Lois: Peter, we're not gonna have this in our front yard, it's racist, and for god's sake ya ruined your best suit. Now we're gonna have to get you a new one...
Peter: Shh shhh, Lois, Lois look. (They go inside and Mort comes to the door)
Mort: Hey guys, I just wanted to return your... Oooh! oh my god it's Hitler! He's back, he's back. hurry, protect Jon Stewart. He's out most important Jew. | permalink
Peter: Lois, don't freaking put me through this again.
Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked the Nutcracker didn't you?
Peter: No Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And, and, with a name like the Nutcracker, I thought, oh, this would be worth a few yucks. But no Lois, that title wrote a check to those queers on stage refused to cash. | permalink
Meg: Wow, look at this! I can't believe that Mrs. Bush kept all of these Planned Parenthood receipts.
Chris: Holy Cow! She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle! | permalink
Tom Tucker: Good evening Quahog, I'm Tom Tucker.
Diane Simmons: And I'm Diane Simmons. The Quahog mayoral race is heating up, with incumbent Adam West squaring off against challenger, Lois Griffin.
Tom Tucker: Which leads many political analysts to ask the question: Can a woman really be mayor? Or will she just menstruate all over the city? Stay with us. | permalink
Cleveland: Hey Quagmire, how was your date last night?
Quagmire: Cleveland, it was amazing. You know what I discovered last night? Women have a fourth hole.
Joe: What?
Quagmire: Yeah, I mean it's only visible if you're looking from exactly the right angle, like the entrance to Hogwarts. But ya gotta believe that it's there.
Peter: Man, I envy you single guys. No families, partying whenever you want. These are the only people I get to party with. (holds out his wallet, with a picture of the kids)
Quagmire: (Pointing to Meg) Oh, that's where the fourth hole is, right there. Right there in the back of the knee. | permalink

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Family Guy Quotes

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley