Abed: Everyone be perfectly sincere. Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm.
Jeff: Wow. Somewhere out there Tim Burton just got a boner.
Abed: Fair warning, guys. A journey through winter wonderland tends to test your commitment to Christmas. So when I say test, I mean Wonka-style. I'm talking dark. My advice: Stay honest, stay alert, and for the love of God, stay between the gumdrops.
Abed: If I can find the meaning of Christmas, everything will go back to normal.
Abed: They were making out.
Jeff: Why would you say that?
Abed: Why would you do it in front of me? I'm not a coat rack.
Guy in bar: What is wrong with you that you can sit here this whole time and never pick up on the fact that a man is hitting on you.
Abed: Oh I actually did pick up on it after a while.
Abed: I just like talking about Farscape.
Jeff: I'm proud of Annie. She took to deception like Abed took to Cougar Town.
Abed: It's good.
You can't be in here Leonard. You already have three farting strikes against you.
Abed: Welcome to Funkytown. No smoking, no farting, no pillow fighting.
Annie: We're in a chase!
Abed: That's allowed.
If I could just take a moment to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I wanna say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd have to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream, best friend medal, anything?
Britta: It's called a Muffin Top, Abed.
Abed: Like a muffin. Clever.
It's Wednesday. Sometimes I eat in Jeff's car. Don't tell him.
Troy, make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end.