Fornell: You looking for a fight, DiNozzo?
Tony: No. Not particularly. Are you?
Fornell: A little bit.

McGee: I figured it out.
Tony: Where the bad guys are hiding?
McGee: No, your apartment. The giveaway was the fact that Gibbs, Fornell and Abby knew about it. So I figured it was case related.
Tony: Good guess, Inspector Clouseau.
McGee: Not a guess. Your apartment was the scene of a triple homicide.
Tony: Amazing what a good paint job will do. Previous owners hacked up the body with an electric carving knife.

McGee: You know, the fact that so much time has passed now, you don't even have to disclose those deaths when you sell.
Tony: Wait, is that true?

Vance: What the hell was that?
Tony: I don't know. I usually only have that effect on women.

Tony: How long have I been working for NCIS?
Tiny Tony: Long enough that you should be making better money. Wait for it...wait for it....yup. You're pathetic.
Tall Tony: I'm not even that good at memorizing lines, but you were easy. You have no life.
Tiny Tony: It's true. No wife, no kids, no hobbies. Same job, same apartment. Nothing changes with you.

Gibbs: How did you meet her the first time?
Tony: I met her in a bar.
Gibbs: Let me guess. She approached you.
Tony: They usually do, but...I was a target.
Gibbs: An easy one!

I mean I get swindled by a bimbo, I've got Laurel and Hardy impersonating me. What about the third guy? Is he a buffoon? Is that who I am?

I feel like I don't know who I am. And it's strange, because she stole my identity, right? But I feel like I already lost my identity. What is this? Seriously, is this some kind of weird metaphor for my current psychological state?

Tony: What's the matter?
McGee: I'm getting a call from myself.
Bishop: Answer it. See what you want.

Susan: Dad I've been looking all over for you.
Tony: Oh. Do I have a sister I don't know about?
Senior: Don't joke, Junior. There's obviously something wrong with her. You've mistaken me for someone else.
Susan: There's so much I have to tell you.
Tony: Here you go. Here's a little something. Get yourself something to eat.
Susan: Dad. Please don't leave me.

Tony: My father brought a straight off the street bag lady into my apartment, rusty old shopping cart and all. And dad said that it was your idea, Gibbs?
Gibbs: I'm glad he found her.

Senior: They took her fingerprints and I'm hoping that Abby can find a match.
Tony: Dad that's very commendable but you can't ask Abby to break agency rules for a personal favor.
Abby: We got a hit.
Tony: You ran the prints?
Abby: Of course, I did, Tony. Poor homeless woman in need of medical care? That's a no-brainer.

NCIS Quotes

Tony: One other question, I know you're an expert in English history. And I was just wondering, have you ever heard of Archibald Drummond, the 17th Earl of Trent?
Ducky: The Earl of Trent. No, I can't say I have. Why?
Tony: I was just wondering. Thanks.

[voiceover] Anyone can achieve their fullest potential, who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny. Your destiny can't be changed but, it can be challenged. Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.