The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXApu Nahasapeemapetilon Quotes
(Marge reads The Inquisitor at the Quik-E-Mart)
Marge: Sideshow Mel is in a custody battle? And it's getting bitter?
Apu: Read one more thing, and it's a purchase!
Marge: "Experts disagree on location of Heaven"?
Apu: Purchase!
(at therapy)
Apu: He used to rob me two, three times a week. Now, I'm lucky if I get it once a month.
Snake: He never initiates it; I have to do all the work. He just stands there.
Thank you, masked vigilante. Your over-zealous homicide has saved me 80 cents. Now if you're not going to buy anything, please move along.
Homer: Apu, what do you think happens after you die?
Apu: Manjula will sell this store, dye her hair blonde and marry my cousin Jangelvar.
Manjula: Yes, I will!
Lisa: I need some candy for our first playdate, but I don't want to come on too strong.
Bart: M&M's?
Lisa: Well, if I pick plain she'll think I'm cheap, and if I pick peanut, she may have an allergy. You just killed her, Bart!
Bart: How about Charleston Chew?
Lisa: What is this, Brooklyn in the fifties? Don't just say stuff.
Bart: You asked for my help, then you don't want it.
Apu: Excuse me, but why not consider an Almond Joy? It looks like you only brought something for yourself, but then you just happen to have two pieces.
Lisa: Finally, a real suggestion!
Bart: If she doesn't like coconut, you're screwed!
Moe: Hey Homer, why don't you nibble her elbow...that always melts her butter, heh heh.
Marge: Get out! Everyone get out now!
Apu: Ooooh, she's got to have it!
Skinner: Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it Billy and the Cloneasaurus.
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First, you think of an idea that has already been done. Then, you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through-- (passage of time) --it was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had-- (passage of time) --most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?!! (pause) I mean, thank you, come again.
Customer: This is what I think of your store! (Scrunches up a Twinkie)
Apu: Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!
(Apu sees Homer in the shower with a candy stuck in his chest)
Apu: What's that?
Homer: EhI like to leave it there.
Homer: Your old meat made me sick.
Apu: I am so sorry, sir. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
Homer: These shrimp aren't frozen, and they smell funny.
Apu: Okay, ten pounds.
Homer: Woohoo!
Man #1: I need one twenty-nine-cent stamp.
Apu: That's a dollar-eighty-five.
Man #2: I'll have two dollars worth of gas.
Apu: Four-twenty.
Martin: How much is your penny candy?
Apu: Surprisingly expensive!
James Woods: Is it true you once worked for 96 hours straight?
Apu: Oh, yes. It was horrible. Near the end, I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind.
James Woods: Oh yeah, you know, I studied your old security tapes.
Apu (on security tape: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Apu: In a few minutes, I try to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.
