South Park

Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
South park
TV Fanatic Works Better with Prime Instant Video
40,000 other titles are available to watch now.

Cartman: Wait wait wait CUT. You have to go crazier that than! I mean you have to act like it's freaking Leonardo DiCaprio.
Bebe: We wouldn't give a rat's ass if Leonardo DiCaprio came walking passed us.
Girls: Yeah!
Cartman: Fine, who would you go crazy for?
Girls: (look at each other) MATT LAUER.
Cartman: Ok fine. Pretend that we're Matt Lauer.
Girls: Ok.
Cartman: Ok, roll camera!
(Fingerbang walks passed them, and the girls scream crazily)
Cartman: JESUS CHRIST!!!!

Ms. Stevens: I'm leaving some pamphlets up here on the desk if anyone is interested.
Cartman: Oh good. We could use some more toilet paper.

(While driving through San Jose, Costa Rica)
Cartman: Oh my God, it smells like ass out here.
Miss Stevens: Alright, that does it. Eric Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant.
Cartman: I wasn't saying anything about their culture; I was just saying their city smells like ass!

(after the GGWK choir has been saved by the deforestation workers)
Ms. Stevens: So, what are you doing out here with all this equipment?
Worker: Oh, we're tearing down the rainforest to make room a lumber yard, do you have a problem with that or something?
Ms. Stevens: Me? Oh no, you go ahead and tear down this whole f**king thing!

I F(bleep)G HATE THE RAINFOREST!

Ms. Stevens

Guide: Don't worry. The snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.
(Snake hisses and wraps itself around the Guide)
Cartman: (sarcastically) Oh yeah. The snake's really afraid of us.
(Snake swallows the Guide whole)
Miss Stevens: Is he dead?
(Guide's skeleton exits the snake)
Kyle: I would say yes.

Miss Stevens: OK children, we are lost so we have to stay together. Is everyone here?
Craig: I'm not.
Miss Stevens: Who's not? Who's not here?
Craig: Me.

Cartman: (whacks a monkey on the head with a stick) Bad monkey! Bad!
Miss Stevens: Eric! What the heck are you doing!
Cartman: I'm asserting myself! Like my Mr. Kitty! When he's bad, I say "That's a bad Mr. Kitty!" and I whack him on the head!
Tour Guide: And this is a three-toed sloth.
Cartman: (hits sloth with a stick) Bad three-toed sloth!
Miss Stevens: Eric, for God's Sake! Knock it off! (pulls Eric away)
Cartman: (throws stick at sloth's head, shouting) Respect mah authoro-tah!

(about Cartman) Fine! You deserve to die you little bastard!

Ms. Stevens

(During a lightning storm.)
Stan: Oh my god! I just saw Tony Danza!
Ms. Stevens: No, you did not just see Tony Danza!
(In next flash of lightning Tony Danza is sitting with the kids in the circle.)

Wendy: Truth or dare?
Stan: (like Chef) Dare.
Bebe: I dare you to shove this twig up your pee-hole.
Stan: SICK!

Mr. Mackey: Wh-wh-what you need to do, uh, Damien is...is to be overly nice. See, n-no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. Err, be passive, mmm'kay? That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, an-and just look at how much the other children like him now!
(scene changes to the playground, a group of kids are gathered around Pip)
Clyde: I bet I could spit the most on him! (spits on his left shoulder
Bebe: Oh, yeah? I bet I could spit in his hair! (spits in his right eye)
Pip: Oh! Nice try! A little higher and you've got it!

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 14 in total

South Park Quotes

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

</i> Cartman

James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is James Cameron!

James Cameron