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There have been malicious rumors started at this elementary school that my beautiful fiancee is a hobbit. That is not funny and it is not true. Yes, she is heavier than most of her pictures show her to be. Yes, she gets her hair lasered off her body and yes, she has a friend named Gandalf, who happens to be a wizard.Stan
Kim Kardashian is a short overweight woman, who manipulates her image and makes average girls feel horrible about themselves... In real life, Kim Kardashian has the body of a hobbit.Wendy
George R.R. Martin: It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off?
Butters Stotch: Uh, no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up.
George R.R. Martin: Oh, they're coming; the dragons are on their way.
Butters Stotch: When?
George R.R. Martin: You really wanna know?
Butters Stotch: Please, it's urgent!
George R.R. Martin: All right. King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there is a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And his weiner gently hangs down between his legs, soft and flaccid, his weiner glistens in the golden sunlight...
Butters Stotch: No! No! Can we just skip the weiner stuff and just get to the dragons?
Scott Malkinson: [winces painfully] Aw shit, I think I'm... I think I'm gonna faint.
- Permalink: Aw shit, I think I'm... I think I'm gonna faint.
The dragons are still just on their way! They keep promising dragons, but all I get are more floppy weiners in my face!Butters Stotch
Butters Stotch: Wizard Cartman, I started watching Game of Thrones.
Eric Cartman: Ah, yes, paladin Butters. Are you enjoying it?
Butters Stotch: Well, it's pretty good, I guess, but have you ever noticed that almost ever time they show a guy's weiner, that guy's character is gay?
Eric Cartman: What do you mean?
Butters Stotch: Well, it's just that they have a lot of girls' boobs and vaginas and stuff, but most times they show a guy's weiner it's because that guy is in love scenes with another guy. You think it's because gay weiners are less threatening to women viewers?
Eric Cartman: I believe you might be missing the greater point of the show, paladin Butters.
Butters Stotch: Yeah, I know - winter is going and there's dragons and zombies on the way; I'm pretty excited for that. Just could do with a little less gay weiner is all.
Winter's coming, Sharon, and I'm a busy little bee. Buzz! Buzz!Randy Marsh
- Permalink: Winter's coming, Sharon, and I'm a busy little bee. Buzz! Buzz!
Canadian Healthcare Administrator: It was a mistake.
His wife: What?
Canadian Healthcare Administrator: Trying to reform Canada's healthcare system and being too stubborn to admit it wasn't working. Even when my wife said the system was too complicated, I wouldn't listen.
His wife: Oh, Terry, I was just trying to get your attention. I'm sorry I queefed in your face.
Canadian Healthcare Administrator: I deserved it. Anyone who thinks streamlining healthcare into an integrated computer system would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face.
Get Cable company front desk man: [typing] We just need to find a window of time you'll be home... how about between the hours of six AM and three PM all of November?
Randy: No I can't wait around my house from six AM and three PM all of November!
Get Cable company front desk man: [starts rubbing his nipples again] Ooohhh, you can't? Geez, that's too bad, you need to be home for the technician. Have you thought about switching to DirecTV?
Randy: I can't afford DirecTV.
Get Cable company front desk man: Ooohhh, you can't? Geez, that's terrible, then I guess you'll just have to work within our time windows.
Randy: Stan. Stan! How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?
[naked and at Stan's door after finding out a parental lock has been put on the TV]
[barely awake in bed]
Randy: What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?
Stan: You guys don't need to be watching that stuff.
Randy: Oh! Come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? Ya-you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it? That's stupid! I'm not going to go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigative Discovery, Stan. I'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person, too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot!
So we have to ask ourselves, what's more important? That the right man is elected president, or that Star Wars is with people who will protect it most?Morgan Freeman
- Permalink: So we have to ask ourselves, what's more important? That the rig...
Not sure what to get your loved one this holiday season? Why not give them a nice Hummer? Nothing beats a Hummer on Christmas morning!Hummer Dealer
- Permalink: Not sure what to get your loved one this holiday season? Why not...
Cartman: I can get the ballots for you. But if I'm going to smuggle them here, I'm going to need a blast suit and a tauntaun.
Mickey Mouse: Sure thing, I've got tauntauns coming out my asshole! Ha-ha!
- Permalink: I can get the ballots for you. But if I'm going to smuggle them ...