Shirley: I need to go to the bathroom first, Britta?
Britta: No, I don't have to go
Annie: I'll go with you
Britta: What, she's offended?
Jeff: Girls go in groups, did you learn nothing from stand up comedy in the nineties?

Britta: I'm willing to try some more mainstream feminine stuff.
Jeff: Well, then you should know that nothing says "I'm a woman" like... doing it with me.
Britta: Nothing says "I'm a pig" like you

Dean Pelton: Well look at this group having some of meeting and being so diverse. There is just, boy! There is just one of every kind of you, isn't there?
Pierce: Well, we are missing a pipsqueak, but we don't want one, so beat it!
Britta: Ah, Pierce, that's the dean

Britta: You're just doing all this because you want to have sex with me, you don't even want to be my friend
Jeff: Wait a minute. Is that what you thought I meant? Britta, look at me
Britta: I am
Jeff: No, look how handsome my face is. If all I wanted was sex, I could get it from plenty of women without having to go through all this crap. I'm here because I like you and I'd be psyched to be your friend. I just didn't want to take sex off the table without doing my due diligence

Britta: I'm not gonna sit while some hokey tribunal gets its jollies judging me.
Jeff: Hey, if you show up with me, follow my lead, and deny everything, you'll walk. That's the Winger guarantee.
Britta: I get it. You think you're gonna save my bacon using your lawyer powers and send me into fits of grateful arousal.
Jeff: I can neither confirm nor deny that. See how good I am?

Jeff: So I guess the cell phone number you put on the study group contact sheet was fake, which I just learned in the awkward conclusion of a month long text message affair with a dude from boulder
Britta: Sorry
Jeff: That's okay, just give me your real number and I'll cleanse my pallet while Kevin rethinks his marriage

Britta [about Vaughn]: The problem right now is that he's calling me "baby." He's trying to hold my hands. It's... it's getting a little relationshipy and... he gave me something.
Jeff: Herpes?

Britta: Hey Vaugn, what's up?
Vaughn: No worries
Jeff: Interesting, cause I might be worried if I was playing hacky sack a decade too late

Britta: Aren't you supposed to have an Olympic gold medal in gibber jabber
Jeff: Yeah, but I'm a sprinter. I'm at my best during high speed bursts of wit.

Britta: Did you do all that to me on purpose? That's not a very nice way to treat your friends
Abed: Well, Britta, it isn't called friend business, it's called show business [lights up a cigarette and leaves the room]
Britta: He's smoking!
Jeff: Honey, let him leave the nest

Abed's Dad: Dreams are for sleeping
Britta: You don't know that
Abed's Dad: It's clinically proven

Hey Abed, real stories -- they don't have spoilers. You understand that TV and life are different, right?

Community Quotes

Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide caused by the unjust cancellation of Firefly. We're gonna get that show back on the air buddy!

Troy

Annie: When you found out I was Jewish, you invited me to a 'pool party' that turned out to be a Baptism.
Shirley: Well excuse me for trying to sneak you into Heaven.