Mitchell: There is a lot of pressure when one is a gay uncle.
Cam: Or guncle.

Mitchell: She's gonna wake up.
Cam: Oh please, she's got enough pills in her, she's gonna rattle like a maraca.

Cam: Let's get this woman into bed and in the morning out of the house as fast as we can. Honestly, I don't know how straight guys do it.
Mitchell: Probably without those hand gestures.

Cam: I just can't believe I slipped into one of Gloria's dresses.
MItchell: Relax it's a maternity poncho.

Cam: Trust me, I have another plan.
Mitchell: Really? Because right now our daughter is walking around like a Vietnamese Annie Hall.

Right now you’re her pal and I’m just a pitchfork wielding she-devil.

Mitchell [to Cam]

News Reporter: How does your spouse feel about you coaching?
Cam: Oh this one, he's my rock, he's my Connie Britton.
Mitchell: Your Connie Britton?
Cam: Mrs. Coach on Friday Night Lights.

I know I know, you hear football coach and you expect to see somebody who screams John Wayne. Meanwhile the only time I’ve screamed the Duke is when we’ve argued over who’s the cutest on Downton Abbey.

Cam: It's a bird! It's a plane!
Mitchell: It's super out of breath.
Cam: Happy Halloween to you too.

It went to my ears on our flight home. I may have moaned a bit. A crying baby complained about me.

Cam: Okay, come on we have something to show you!
Lily: Is it dinner or is my mouth too ugly to put food into?

I think I could be a little less Ryan Gosling, and a little more everyman.

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.