Cam: Trust me, I have another plan.
Mitchell: Really? Because right now our daughter is walking around like a Vietnamese Annie Hall.

Right now you’re her pal and I’m just a pitchfork wielding she-devil.

Mitchell [to Cam]

News Reporter: How does your spouse feel about you coaching?
Cam: Oh this one, he's my rock, he's my Connie Britton.
Mitchell: Your Connie Britton?
Cam: Mrs. Coach on Friday Night Lights.

I know I know, you hear football coach and you expect to see somebody who screams John Wayne. Meanwhile the only time I’ve screamed the Duke is when we’ve argued over who’s the cutest on Downton Abbey.

Cam: It's a bird! It's a plane!
Mitchell: It's super out of breath.
Cam: Happy Halloween to you too.

It went to my ears on our flight home. I may have moaned a bit. A crying baby complained about me.

Cam: Okay, come on we have something to show you!
Lily: Is it dinner or is my mouth too ugly to put food into?

I think I could be a little less Ryan Gosling, and a little more everyman.

Cam: Hey counselor, what do I have to do to get you to drop that suit?
Mitchell: Cam what are you doing here?
Cam: Surprising my hugs-band!

Cam: Oh my God! It feels like we have one mind and one heart.
Mitchell: And one chair.

Mitchell: This is my second favorite suit of yours.
Cam: Second?
Mitchell: Right after your birthday suit.
Cam: Hey! Cut it out, I'm practically a married man.

Half our guests are gay; we're finally giving them a good memory on a school bus.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cameron: If I wasn't in school or fishing, I was clowning. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, Auguste, a whiteface, and a character. I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo.
Mitchell: Between the clowning and the fishing, I'm surprised you had time for the schooling. Aww, there's the fifth type, the sad clown.
Cameron: A sad clown is a tramp.. so there's still only four types.