I don't entirely understand the behavior of young people. Recently we engaged in something called a group hang. It was like a date but there were seven other people there.

I have thousands of seconds!

Chris: To Tom Haverford! Wooo!
Tom: And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place.

I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things that don't!

Ron: I started working on something very important. Can you help me?
Chris: Yes sir.
Ron: It's a flight of stairs leading to nowhere.

When I get bummed out I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.

It's just a piece of paper. He only made it for me after I specifically asked for it after crying loudly. It sure meant a lot to receive it.

Chris: What did you do for her?
Ron: Fixed her pothole.
Chris: Is that a euphemism?

I love this idea and I love me for thinking of it.

If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I
will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

Ben: Hypothetical crisis: Leslie just tried to answer a question, but audibly farted and then threw up. Spin.
Chris: Leslie Knope is literally overflowing with ideas for this town. And speaking about methane, have you heard about her plan to limit greenhouse gas emissions?

If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want it to be me.