Claire: Quick, quick tell me something to say that will freak him out.
Haley: Tell him I'm pregnant!

Claire: I got pregnant with Haley.
Phil: My bad!

Phil: You're such a great mother. Sometimes I wish you were my mother.
Claire: Oh gosh. I'm already queasy.

Phil: How did Scout get your bra?
Claire: Well, we were out on a date, and he has a really nice car, so — how do you think? He got it from the laundry basket.

Phil: We're like two peas in a pod, or Siamese twins, a snake with two heads!
Claire: They've actually been all those things for Halloween.

No, I don't love the dog. I love my couch and the dog was looking at it like it was a giant sausage.

Alex, honey, when you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten!

Claire: They're getting more in next week.
Phil: Next week? That's like the worst thing you can say to an early adopter.

Claire [after eating Haley's cupcakes]: Do we still have the number for poison control?
Phil: I love you, Claire, I'll always love you!
Luke: My mouth is asleep like at the dentist.

Phil: I'm really sorry for not underestimating Luke enough.
Claire: Well that means a lot to me.

Haley: Oh my God, gross, I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire: Thank you.

Women in their 30s on the internet are like ninjas. They get in their little, black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

Phil