Claire: They're getting more in next week.
Phil: Next week? That's like the worst thing you can say to an early adopter.

Claire [after eating Haley's cupcakes]: Do we still have the number for poison control?
Phil: I love you, Claire, I'll always love you!
Luke: My mouth is asleep like at the dentist.

Phil: I'm really sorry for not underestimating Luke enough.
Claire: Well that means a lot to me.

Haley: Oh my God, gross, I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire: Thank you.

Women in their 30s on the internet are like ninjas. They get in their little, black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.

Phil: My wife is always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil: Oh no, she could make lists for days.

Phil: I'm in town for a trade show. I design high-end electro-acoustic transducers.
Claire: Wow, that is very specific.

I have this theory that Phil purposely installs complicated technology so he has a reason to talk to me like I'm a child.

Claire: Who's our dumbest kid?
Phil: Luke.

Claire: We're gonna pass into legend. The parents who canceled Christmas.
Phil: I thought you'd be happy.
Claire: They'll write songs about us. They'll make a Christmas special with those ugly little clay pieces.

Claire [to kids]: Which one of you was smoking?
Phil: Not me, I have a respiratory problem.
Claire: Obviously, not you.

Phil [about Luke]: He's one of those kids you get him a gift and all he wants to do is play with the box.
Claire: One year we just got him a box, a really nice box
Phil: And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.
Claire: So he played with the gift bag.
Phil: We can't get it right.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, whom apparently the drink was named after
Phil: Oh come, they were funny
Claire: They kept grabbing my butt
Phil: Somebody is full of herself. It's a Colombian wedding tradition.. they said