Modern Family

Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern family
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Haley: Oh my God, gross, I can't even picture you with a woman.
Claire: Thank you.

Women in their 30s on the internet are like ninjas. They get in their little, black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.

Phil: My wife is always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil: Oh no, she could make lists for days.

Phil: I'm in town for a trade show. I design high-end electro-acoustic transducers.
Claire: Wow, that is very specific.

I have this theory that Phil purposely installs complicated technology so he has a reason to talk to me like I'm a child.

Claire: Who's our dumbest kid?
Phil: Luke.

Claire: We're gonna pass into legend. The parents who canceled Christmas.
Phil: I thought you'd be happy.
Claire: They'll write songs about us. They'll make a Christmas special with those ugly little clay pieces.

Claire [to kids]: Which one of you was smoking?
Phil: Not me, I have a respiratory problem.
Claire: Obviously, not you.

Phil [about Luke]: He's one of those kids you get him a gift and all he wants to do is play with the box.
Claire: One year we just got him a box, a really nice box
Phil: And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.
Claire: So he played with the gift bag.
Phil: We can't get it right.

Phil loves Spandau Ballet. That song "True" was playing in the car the first time we kissed. It's our song.

I'm fairly confident that Dad's proudest moment was when you finally took off the flame-red unitard

Phil [about Luke]: I'm telling you that kid is a genius, there's a rainmaker
Claire: Why is your iPod in your mouth?
Luke: I'm charging it
Claire: Alex. Alex!

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