Darryl Philbin Quotes
Michael: Sir. I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes and some how they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen?
Darryl: Were the boxes near each other?
Michael: Irrelevant.
Darryl: I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper.
Michael: OK, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?
Michael: Hey. Hey. Hey. You idiot.
Darryl: Start over.
Michael: Hey, sport.
Dwight: I heard someone got engaged, you dog, huh? [punches Michael's shoulder]
Michael: Ow! God!
Dwight: Oh, nothing can hurt you now. You're a man in love!
[cut to Darryl]
Darryl: I was there. That dude is not engaged. I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'll go into my own pocket to cover his co-pay.
Roy: Halpert?
Darryl: What's up, Roy?
Jim: Hey man.
Roy: I'm not gonna hit you or anything.
Jim: Oh, I wouldn't ...
Roy: You good?
Jim: I'm good. How you doing?
Roy: I'm good.
Jim: Yeah, okay.
Roy: Hey Darryl, what's happenin'?
Darryl: Oh, what's up, Roy?
Roy: Hey, what's up, guys? How you been?
Michael: Um, so, Darryl, and the boys in the hood in the warehouse, have graciously donated to, uh, go out for a beer with them right now. You know what, I'm actually going to bid on this. I'm going to start the bidding, because this is something that I have dreamt of-
Darryl: Mike, you can't do that. It's conflict of interest.
Jim: Five dollars.
Darryl: Sold! To Jim.
Michael: Okay. Okay, sold! Have fun, you guys. Well, this next item is sure to spring steam from your ears if you don't win it. It just says "Creed."
Creed: Yeah, that's all-inclusive.
Mike gave me a list of his top ten Springsteen songs. Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News. One was Tracy Chapman, Fast Car. And my personal favorite, Short People.
Darryl: You should stop calling yourself "baby daddy."
Michael: Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote?
Darryl: Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby.
Michael: Well-
Darryl: You feel connected to his baby over there?
Michael: It's ... that's different.
Darryl: You feel connected to this? [holds up a back brace]
Michael: That's not a baby.
Darryl: You want to hold me, to see how you feel?
Michael: Could I?
Darryl: No.
Michael: Hey guys.
Darryl: What's up, Mike?
Michael: Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another.
Darryl: You a baby daddy?
Michael: Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby?
Darryl: Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby.
Michael: Okay, so dig this: you're on the street, and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl: Oh my goodness.
Michael: Yeah, right, so what do you do to get them to make it right?
Darryl: Well see, um... in the gang world, we use something called Fluffy Fingers.
Michael: What is that?
Darryl: That's when somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just... start tickling them.
Michael: Really?
Darryl: Yeah, and then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Ya'll can just go to church together... get an ice cream cone.
Michael: I would've never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.
Darryl: Well, it's effective.
Darryl: Mike.
Michael: Hey.
Darryl: I'm very busy here, man.
Michael: Darryl, have you ever been in a gang?
Darryl: Why?
Michael: It's an advice question, and if you don't wanna talk about it, I completely understand. It's, um...
Darryl: No, no, no...
Michael: I know, it's very, very personal...
Darryl: No, um... I have.
Michael: I knew it. Okay, who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods?
Darryl: Both.
Michael: God.
Michael: Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go!
Toby: Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour.
Michael: Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and...
Toby: Um, yeah. You're computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour.
Michael: Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour?
Darryl: Take them at the same time.
Michael: Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Toby: No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty.
Ryan: What about a long sleeve T?
Toby: Well, that'll work.
Kevin: Long johns? A shaw?
Toby: You know, anything that warms you.
Michael: Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom.
Darryl: The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
Dwight: Yeah!
Andy: It's on!
Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael: Bail'er? I hardly know her.
Lonny: Dammit, Michael. Pay attention, man.
Darryl: Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody?
Kevin: Five bucks says it's over 50.
Jim: You really wanna bet?
Darryl: Anybody?
Kevin: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
