Doug Murphy Quotes
Janitor: What the? Maybe I diluted this too much.
The Janitor brushes the moistened rag against Doug's ear and a sizzling sound occurs.
Doug: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Janitor: Eh, can't blame the cleanser.
Dr. Cox: Ted, why don't you be a sport and... and get us started.
Ted: Uh, people, we're here today...
Dr. Cox: Snore! New idea: we're all gonna clam up for about an hour so I can get some shut-eye. Oh, and Nervous Guy-
Doug: Yes, Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: If I were you, I'd go ahead and swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots. Because, if I hear you make even one more damn crunch, I'm gonna use the remainder of the carrots in that bag to make you completely air-tight, son.
Doug: Uh, Dr. Cox. I was the one who switched with J.D.
Dr. Cox: Nervous Guy... How you feeling?
Doug: A little nervous.
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's okay. Don't worry about a thing, 'cause I'm gonna ease you in. Here's the deal: You have exactly eight seconds to find this patient's chart or you're through here.
Doug: God! Chart? Chart? Anyone?
Laverne: You want me to look for it?
Doug: Did anyone see a chart?!
Dr. Cox: Nah, I got the chart right here.
Dr. Kelso: Finally, can anyone tell me the dermatologic condition associated with rhinophyma... Dr. Murphy?
Doug: Uh, could it be... psoriasis?
Dr. Kelso: And yet further proof that the clown costume is redundant.
Dr. Kelso: Now if any of you other would-be revelers get the urge to dress up on this, the mother of all non-holidays, please consider me the razor blade in your caramel apple. We're professionals, dammit! You know... it's nothing personal, son... you just make me sick.
Doug: He called me son! He called me son!
J.D.: Score.
Dr. Kelso: Who gets to tell us the symptoms of Menier's Disease? Dr. Murphy!
Doug: Can you use it in a sentence?
J.D.: Hey, do you know what Alex Hanson looks like?
Doug: He's okay.
Laverne: I don't know. I don't look at the ladies.
Dr. Kelso: Young man, I've been married for over three decades. I would've gone there, though; oh, yes, I would've.
Janitor: Who cares? No one'll ever love you.
Ted: I don't find her pretty; but since my wife left, when I look at a woman, I find it hard to see past the evil.
Elliot: What opportunity?
Doug: No, shush, shush.
J.D.: Shut up! You see, in baseball, when a pitcher's really hot - no one talks to him, no one looks at him, you just stay out of his way!
Elliot: Why are you talking about baseball?
Dr. Cox: Because you should never jinx a pitcher when he has a chance to throw a perfect game! My GOD, Barbie, how do you put your bra and panties on in the morning?! All by yourself! It's remarkable!
J.D.: See, 'cause he's the pitcher-
Elliot: Yeah, I get it now!
Dr. Cox: Nobody hurts Carla and gets away with it.
Doug: Who's Carla?
Dr. Cox: I was talking to myself. Don't eavesdrop... [quietly] If this kid doesn't leave I'm gonna kill him.
[Doug stands up]
Dr. Cox: Now if you leave I'll know you were eavesdropping and I'll just go ahead and kill ya anyway. Stay, good girl
Dr. Cox: Do you know what you've just done? You just lost all lap-dog privileges.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: No more walkies, no more treats, no more following me around the hospital.
J.D.: I'm not your lap-dog.
Dr. Cox: Hey you, back there, what do we do with lap-dogs who can't behave in the house?
Doug: Make them stay outside?
Dr. Cox: That's right. You now have five seconds to get out of this room, otherwise I'm gonna start whacking you on the nose with this!
