Five minutes ahead of schedule... Right on schedule.

Ryan: Did you see Saw?
Dwight: Of course I seesaw, Mose and I seesaw all the time.

Michael: Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or go against type with an Eisenberg or Michael Cera.
Dwight: Movie idea?
Michael: Noooo...Saving the world has never been this hard.

I have no feeling in my fingers or penis, but I think it was worth it.

Salesman is king. As the best salesman I am king of kings. Oh, you say Jesus is king of kings? Well, what does that say to you about how I think of myself.

You couldn't handle my undivided attention.

Creed: That is "Northern Lights". Cannabis indica.
Dwight: [sighs] No, it's marijuana.

Michael: I have dibs. Do you respect dibs?
Dwight: (scoffs) I'm not a barbarian.

Dwight: I can't believe you came.
Michael: That's what she said.

Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. [laughs] No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Pam: You've been watering down the soap?
Dwight: Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom?

Just once, I'd like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?

The Office Quotes

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.


Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.