Evan Lawson Quotes
(Evan receives a text message and tries to relay it to Hank with Jill present in the room)
Evan: It's urgent. Uh, is-may ewberg-nay?
Tucker: Ms. Newparts Newberg?
Hank: Hell of an encryption system.
Evan: So, why don't you just, uh, drop me at the dealership, do your follow-up call and pick me up on your way back?
Divya: Because that would deprive us of valuable bonding time.
Evan: Okay. Great. Cool. What do you... What would you like to...
Divya: Evan. It's because they're in opposite directions. I was being sarcastic.
Evan: Yeah. Right, yeah. Well, it's hard to tell with your accent sometimes.
Evan: Divya, it's not a situation. It's a wedding. It's-It's two people in love, forcing their friends to dance to We Are Family. You know? It's-It's sac... Wait a minute. Is this an arranged marriage?
Divya: Why?! Why, because I'm Indian?! Why, that's-that's quite an unenlightened stereotype. (off Evan's stare) Yes. It's a strategic marriage.
Evan: Why don't you just summon the apparitions?
Divya: Okay, why are you asking me?
Evan: Because you're Indian. Maybe some of the rituals translate, right?
Divya: Wait a second. You think that Hinduism and Wicca are overlapping ideologies?
Evan: I'm just thinkin' outside the box.
Divya: You're a bloody neanderthal.
So do you think I'm gonna turn into, like, a, an old school Bela Lugosi type or maybe, like, a hip, sexy Twilight vampire with like the (puckers lips and makes kissy face) and, like, the cool hair or what?
Evan
Evan: If I got bit by a bat, what's gonna happen to me?
Hank: All right. Worst case scenario, you die. Best case scenario, you become immortal.
Hank: Just know that Evan and I are here to stay, and there's always, always a place for you here with Hankmed, no matter what.
Divya: Well, I appreciate that. And I'll let you know what my future holds, as soon as my parents decide it for me.
Evan: Well, maybe negotiations will still fall apart last minute. Maybe your dad'll raise the dowry to five goats and a donkey and Raj'll call it a deal-breaker.
Divya: Hmm. Maybe you're the donkey.
Evan: We're broke.
Hank: What do you mean broke?
Evan: I mean depleted, destitute, insolvent.
Hank: I was asking for an explanation, not a thesaurus.
Divya: You want to do the spinal tap tonight?
Hank: And that's not all I want to do. There may be only one way to get to the bottom of this immediately.
(Divya and Evan at the same time)
Divya: MRI?
Evan: Exorcism?
Evan: So that's a long island iced tea.
Amy: House specialty. I make them every day for family cocktail hour.
Evan: Really?
Zoey: Apparently, spirits calm the spirits.
Gary Pastotnik? That guy is like Satan, only more evil.
Evan: You can actually sew up a human being, but you can't wrap something with parallel sides.
Hank: You know, I went to medical school, not the American Academy of Gift-Giving.
