Dear Diary, Jackpot!

Quagmire [after finding a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]

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Quagmire: Hey, maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, eh?
Peter: Oh thanks, the last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...oh you guys are asses!

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Hey Peter, can I borrow your lawnmow... [sees Lois naked] Aaahh! Any of you folks got a towel?

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God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh god! I heard me! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!

Quagmire [thinks to self]

• Permalink: God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank...
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Little Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Little Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make that devils

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Cleveland: Cool, Glenn! You look like Tommy Lee!
Quagmire: Well that oughta be appropriate, since I just found out I have hepatitis

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Brooke: Glen, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and tried to have sex with your unconscious body?
Brooke: What?
Quagmire: Yes

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Quagmire: Hey Peter, uhh you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to somebody.
Peter: Uhh lets see here...uhh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Quagmire: Huh, that's all you have is accidental huh? All right I'll take it.

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Quagmire [reading note]: Glen, this is your child, next time wear a condom jerk. Oh my god!
Peter: Wait, hang on, there's no guarantee it's your baby.
Baby: Gigitty.
Quagmire: Ooh, I say that.

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Quagmire: How long you been in beauty school?
Candy: Two months.
Quagmire: Well tonight, we're doing facials!

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Peter: I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourage, Kevin Connolly, but aren't you a little small?
Quagmire: I'll tell you what you can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal.
Kevin Connolly: Oh no, they're after me Kevin Connoly charms.

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Quagmire: Hey Peter, you want to play "drink the beer"?
Peter: Sure. (takes drink of beer)
Quagmire: You win!
Peter: What do I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter: Oh man, I'm going for the high score!
Quagmire: Actually, Charlie has the high score.
Charlie [peeing in grandfather clock]: Hey man, your clock won't flush

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