Peter's a good friend. Not like Cleveland.

We're a team like fish and chips and fat guys.

If cellphones worked, every movie would be two minutes long.

How do you think NBA players get all those chicks? They're all great cooks. Except Kobe Bryant. His secret is different.

Ugggh! This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride!

Quagmire (referencing an awful Korean Taco)

I'm an idiot? All anyone remembers from your argument is that you're in a wheelchair!

Quagmire: Is your baby pregnant?
Peter: I dunno, Lois is in charge of the kids.

Quagmire: Where do you get off?!
Stewie: Pretty much everywhere I hear. Fat man's right -- they're making this easy.

My misguided carnal instincts are the results of being raised by a sexual deviant.

Doctor: How do you feel?
Quagmire's Mom: Horny. Really horny. Could you put him back so I can push him out again?

I don't want to go to jail, but I really want to take credit.

Peter: Jesus, we're going to help you lose your virginity!
Quagmire: Oh god! I love sex!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley