Quagmire: Where do you get off?!
Stewie: Pretty much everywhere I hear. Fat man's right -- they're making this easy.

My misguided carnal instincts are the results of being raised by a sexual deviant.

Doctor: How do you feel?
Quagmire's Mom: Horny. Really horny. Could you put him back so I can push him out again?

I don't want to go to jail, but I really want to take credit.

Peter: Jesus, we're going to help you lose your virginity!
Quagmire: Oh god! I love sex!

Jesus: Uh hot ladies. Horny ones. Who, uh, sex on you.
Quagmire: What?
Jesus: Yeah, you know, they come back to your house and sit on your butt.

[meditating] I can be Giggity. I can be Goo.

Sonja: Giggity.
Quagmire: That's my word.

What a surprise, the mugger's never heard of Truman Capote.

Oh my god, he's really hurt bad - you're out of the baseline by the way you're out game's over - but oh my god, Horace is really hurt!

Quagmire: What the hell? Jerome's on your team?
Mort Goldman: That's right! We got to know each other while I was following him around my store!

Joe: Here you go guys, first time in a while I've had wood in my lap.
Quagmire: Are we supposed to laugh at that? Because it's upsetting.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --

Lois