The Big Bang Theory

Thursdays 8:00 PM on CBS
The big bang theory
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Wolowitz [about his phone call]: Looks like I'm going to have sex tonight
Penny: His right hand is calling him?

Leonard: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Wolowitz: Yes. Koothrappali is going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon is going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?

Sheldon: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone, and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
Employee: Excuse me?
Sheldon: Here. [gives woman gift basket] Now, are we friends, colleagues, lovers? Are you my grandmother?
Employee: I don't understand what you're talking about, and you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Wolowitz: See, sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, get the door!
Howard: Really, is that what you do when someone knocks? I had no idea

Raj: We now have the address of the Top Model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View—registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Wolowitz: You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.

Sheldon: The entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
Wolowitz: Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's top models.
Raj: And a large number of people will believe it never happened

Wolowitz: Over the years, we've formulated a number of theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Wolowitz: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton

They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters

Wolowitz [about Raj]

Wolowitz: So you're just going to sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Dr. Apu from the Kwik-E-Mart?
Leonard: It's not a date, and that's racist.
Wolowitz: It can't be racist, he's a beloved character on The Simpsons

Leonard: If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. You know, a guy who has your back.
Wolowitz: And he should have a lot of money and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
Sheldon: And he should share our love of technology.
Wolowitz: And he should know a lot of women.
Leonard: Okay, let's see: money, women, technology. Okay, we're agreed. Our new friend is going to be Iron Man

Leonard: [Sheldon] says he's moving out.
Raj: What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?
Leonard: No.
Wolowitz: Did you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?

Wolowitz: You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Wolowitz: Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me

Displaying quotes 277 - 288 of 323 in total

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Here's a question-- as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges.If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.

Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems, and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you're in a pinch.

Sheldon