Liz: Did you get my gift?
Jack: I assumed it was the bottle of wine with the card reading "Dear Doritos, what about just selling bags full of your dust? I could put it on chicken or fish..."

Banks: How'd you get these DNA results back so fast?
Jack: I happen to have some very powerful friends at The Maury Povich Show.

Jack: How much time and energy have we wasted with our sparring and our gravel-voiced double entendre?
Banks: An ass-load.

Jack: You also know Jack Donaghy always wins, or have you forgotten the time we played Battleship? Remember A-8?
Devon Banks: You peeked!

Colleen: My father did not kill dozens of Germans so that his daughter could die in a van.
Jack: But he wasn't even in the war.

As long as she's in New York, I'm doing absolutely nothing. I got the idea from watching your President Obama the last four years.

The woman's constant disapproval of me will keep her alive...forever.

I coined the phrase "You wish, pal!"

I brought you back from the dead, and revived your career.

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