Elaine: Come on. Don't you think they seem a bit too perfect?Jerry: Yes they do!

Jerry: Are you still using that same old alarm clock?
Elaine: Oh no no, I bought a new one today. It's got everything! You oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face.

Kramer: Come on Jerry hurry I don't want to miss it.
Jerry: Let me finish my coffee. Then we'll go watch 'em slice this fat bastard up.

Newman: Wow, it was McDowell.
Jerry: But why? Why McDowell?
Kramer: Well, maybe because we were sitting in the right field stands cursing at him in the bullpen all game.
Newman: He must have caught a glimpse of us when I poured that beer on his head.

Elaine: Pal? You think I'm your pal?
Jerry: I said "and more."

Elaine: Did you hear that Jerry? He couldn't eat for weeks!
Jerry: (uncaring) That's terrible...

The IRS! They're like the Mafia! They can take anything they want!

They'll probably kill his family over this.

(to his parents) What is going on in this community? Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humidity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?!

I'm sleeping on a loveseat. I got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule!

(Elaine is surfing through TV stations)
Elaine: Ooo the naked channel!
Jerry: (reaching for the remote) No, I don't want to watch the naked channel.
Elaine: (Pulling the remote away) Been a while?

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. Thats why the wedding vow isn't "do you take Bill Simpson", it's "do you take this man."