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I am special, my mother was right.

People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals.

She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!

I was ten... I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping-Pong table.

Jerry: Eckman? I thought he was doing time?
Kramer: No, no, he's out. He got out.

Kramer: You don't think I can do it.
Jerry: I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.

Jerry: My guys don't know your guys! You can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together! They'll start a riot!Kramer: Have you ever met my guys?Jerry: No, I can't say as I have.Kramer: We-ell!

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Did you ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves? I think when you name a baby Jeeves; you've pretty much mapped out his future. Not much chance he's gonna be a hitman. "Terribly sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to whack you."

Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
Elaine: You want to make $28?

George: People think that I'm smart, but I'm not smart.Jerry: Who thinks that you're smart?

(Closing monologue) I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there.

There's too much urinary freedom in this society.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 496 in total

Seinfeld Quotes

Kramer goes to a Fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp! People should plunk down $2,000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass backwards in the money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; now that's a fantasy camp.


I can't get a massage from a man.