Jerry: Here. Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it.
Newman: Yeah, your nipple's showing.

Jerry: She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
George: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
Jerry: But I need the home bed advantage!
George: Of course, we all do.

I HATE my guyhe's a mean, MEAN guy!

Elaine: She died?Jerry: She died.Elaine: She died!!

Jerry: That's my car!
Car thief: I didn't know it was yours.
Jerry: What are you gonna do with it?
Car thief: I dunno, drive around.
Jerry: Then can I have it back?
Car thief: Hmmm, nah. I'm gonna keep it.

(to George) You're wearing the chocolate shirt!

George: A man gave me a massage.
Jerry: So?
George: So he had his hands and, uh, he was
Jerry: He was what?
George: He was touching and rubbing.

Party Guest: So what do you do?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
Party Guest: Are you? Let me ask you something. Where do you get your material?
Jerry: I hear a voice.
Party Guest: What kind of voice?
Jerry: A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.
Party Guest: How come you keep tapping your head?
Jerry: It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa.

She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!

Elaine: Pal? You think I'm your pal?
Jerry: I said "and more."

I usually last about ten minutes on the stairmaster. Unless, of course, there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour. That's why they call it the stairmaster. You get up there and you stare.

Yeah if you're exposed to gamma rays!

Seinfeld Quotes

George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a colour man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do you like?
George: Movies. I like to watch movies.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah.
George: Do they pay people to watch movies?
Jerry: Projectionists.
George: That's true.
Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector.
George: Right.
Jerry: And it's probably a union thing.
George: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports, movies what about a talk show host?
Jerry: Talk show host. That's good.
George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?
Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky.
George: You can't just walk into a building and say "I wanna be a talk show host".
Jerry: I wouldn't think so.
George: It's all politics.
Jerry: All right, okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?
George: This could have been a huge mistake.
Jerry: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.

I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate. I've got it all!