This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!

Hello 911. How are ya?

(swaying around) It was a maaaad-house...

Elaine: (referring to Dr. Reston) He's like a Svenjolly.
Jerry: Svengali.
Elaine: What did I say?
Jerry: Svenjolly.
Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
Jerry: George?
George: Svenjolly. (licking some peanut butter off his finger)
Elaine: I don't see how I could've said Svenjolly.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.

George: I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes. Nobody was there. They're supposed to be working. My mother had a Glamour magazine; I started leafing through it
Jerry: Glamour?
(Kramer and Elaine laugh slightly)
George: So, one thing lead to another
Jerry: So, what did she do?
George: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!"

Jerry: What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. (to attendant) What is going on?
Attendant: Sir, this woman tried to sneak into first class.
Jerry: Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is that curtain is no security. There really should be a locking door.

Jerry: Hey, what's going on?
Angry Woman: Some jerk parked in the handicap spot, so this woman in a wheel chair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave out, and she rolled backwards into the wall. They had to take her to St. Elizabeth's...
Jerry: Is she okay?
Angry Woman I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. He may not get out alive. Lazy bum! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay?
Jerry: Sons of bitches.

You know, a muffin can be very filling!

Kramer: You don't think I can do it.
Jerry: I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.

I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go, "Excuse me; I'm not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone "You can't talk to me like that!" (Jerry searches for the 'off' button on his mimed phone, and presses it feebly, in a comedic sort of way) "I told him!"

Elaine: Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them for a week and then if no one claims them, they kill 'em.
Jerry: Really? How late are they open?

Elaine: You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They feel so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you SICK!!
Jerry: Boy. You are REALLY hungry.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 496 in total

Seinfeld Quotes

(to Elaine) It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you subtract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes.

Jerry

Yeah if you're exposed to gamma rays!

Jerry
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