Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
I like this opera crowd; I feel tough.
- Permalink: I like this opera crowd; I feel tough.
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. Thats why the wedding vow isn't "do you take Bill Simpson", it's "do you take this man."
- Permalink: The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men...
George: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
Jerry: Oh, that was a bad toast.
George: It wasn't that bad.
Jerry: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
George: I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.
Jerry: There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Redd Foxx record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts.
George: Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock!
- Permalink: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when...
I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it.
- Permalink: I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? Yo...
(to a police officer) But officer, he threatened me. I don't understand, that's not right. What if it was the President of the United States, I bet you'd investigate. Well, so what? What's the difference? I'm a comedian of the United States. And I'll tell you, I'm under just as much pressure.
- Permalink: But officer, he threatened me. I don't understand, that's not ri...
Jerry: So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh...so, I said, "You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"
George: "The panties your mother laid out for you"? What does that mean?
Jerry: I don't know! It just popped out.
George: Well, how did she react?
Jerry: She flipped out! Just left.
George: Well, that's not offensive. It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
- Permalink: So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh...so, I said, You mea...
Susan: So what kind of a bubble, like an igloo?
Jerry: No, that's what I thought. But apparently it's just a big piece of plastic, dividing the room.
George: What kind of plastic do you think it is? Like that dry cleaning plastic?
Jerry: That's no good. He wouldn't last 10 minutes in there!
- Permalink: So what kind of a bubble, like an igloo? No, that's what I tho...
Elaine: Well, what about the sleeping arrangements in the cabin?
Jerry: Well, um, same bed and uh, underwear and a tee shirt.
Elaine: What about me?
Jerry: You'll be naked, of course.
- Permalink: Well, what about the sleeping arrangements in the cabin? Well,...
Elaine: What's that?
Jerry: Oh, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I don't know what to write on these things. I hate doin' this.
Elaine: (reading) "I'm very im-PRESSED?"
- Permalink: What's that? Oh, it's an autographed picture for my dry clean...
(George is driving too fast as Jerry is following him)
Jerry: What's he doing? What is his hurry?
Elaine: Well, you know George. It's not good enough to get there. You gotta make good timing.
Jerry: I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes. I never heard the end of it.
(Elaine laughs quietly)
Jerry: Look at him.
- Permalink: What's he doing? What is his hurry? Well, you know George. It'...
Naomi: I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
Jerry: No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.
- Permalink: I thought you were happy-go-lucky. No, no, no, I'm not happy, ...
Jerry: He's a bubble boy.
George: A bubble boy?
Jerry: Yes, a bubble boy.
Susan: What's a bubble boy?
Jerry: He lives in a bubble.
- Permalink: He's a bubble boy. A bubble boy? Yes, a bubble boy. What's...
Elaine: (referring to Dr. Reston) He's like a Svenjolly.
Elaine: What did I say?
Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
George: Svenjolly. (licking some peanut butter off his finger)
Elaine: I don't see how I could've said Svenjolly.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.
- Permalink: He's like a Svenjolly. Svengali. What did I say? Svenjolly...
I can't get a massage from a man.George
- Permalink: I can't get a massage from a man.