Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
Susan: So what kind of a bubble, like an igloo?
Jerry: No, that's what I thought. But apparently it's just a big piece of plastic, dividing the room.
George: What kind of plastic do you think it is? Like that dry cleaning plastic?
Jerry: That's no good. He wouldn't last 10 minutes in there!
Elaine: What's that?
Jerry: Oh, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I don't know what to write on these things. I hate doin' this.
Elaine: (reading) "I'm very im-PRESSED?"
Naomi: I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
Jerry: No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.
Helen: She's beautiful.
Jerry: She's not beautiful.
Helen: I think she's beautiful.
Jerry: So you ask her out.
(to George) Let me see if I understand this - in other words, you held out for LESS money?!
(monologue) Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it! Timmy's still stuck in the cave! There's no way they're gonna wrap this up in five minutes!" I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm -- Can you come back next week?"
Jerry: What are you repeating everything I say?
George: What are you repeating everything I say?
Jerry: Well George is an idiot.
George: Well G...
Helen: Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
Jerry: I didn't know he wasn't invited.
Morty: Hey, these are very comfortable pants. You know what I paid for these Jerry?
Helen: So why did you say anything?
Jerry: It was a mistake.
Morty: They're good around the house and they're good for outside!
Elaine: (referring to Dr. Reston) He's like a Svenjolly.
Jerry: Svengali.
Elaine: What did I say?
Jerry: Svenjolly.
Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
Jerry: George?
George: Svenjolly. (licking some peanut butter off his finger)
Elaine: I don't see how I could've said Svenjolly.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.
Jerry: Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe five. Okay, if we pass, that's it. They go to the next show.
George: Ooooo, I'm scaredOhooo, they're not gonna do the show.
Jerry: We're lucky they're even interested in the show in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, "Hey, maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no ideas, more money"?
George: Ohooo, what are we gonna do? I'm shaking. I'm shaking.
(to George) You know, you really need some help. But a regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like, Vienna, or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the university level. Like where Freud studied, and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No, you need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock, thinking about you, having conferences, observing you. Like the way they did with the Elephant Man.
You know, a muffin can be very filling!
