Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Jerry: I'll tell you one thing, this chauffeur's gonna be waiting a while. O'Brien's not showing up.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: He was in Chicago. Flight was overbooked; they wouldn't let him on the plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden.
George: We should take his limo.
Jerry: Yeah, right.
(Jerry begins to walk away, but George suddenly stops him)
George: Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you see the line for cabs, it's, like, 45 minutes long. You said he's in Chicago.
Jerry: He's definitely in Chicago.
George: Well, the guy's just standing there.
(Jerry looks at the chauffeur, who checks his watch)
Jerry: How would we do it?
George: We just go up to him and say, "We're O'Brien."
Jerry: Maybe he knows O'Brien.
George: No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien, he wouldn't have a sign.

She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!

Jerry (on Keith Hernandez): Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff.
George: I'd love to be a Civil War buff. What do you have to do to be a buff?
Jerry: So Biff wants to be a buff? Well, sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.

Vandelay Industries. Kal Varnsen speaking. How may I help you?

That is one magic loogey!

I'm not drivin' him to the airport!

(in a condescending tone) And you want to be my latex salesman?

Jerry

Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
George: Right.
Jerry: And what is that?
George: You're in latex.
Jerry: Latex? And what do I do with latex?
George: You manufacture it.

Jerry: I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?
George: Right.
Jerry: (chuckling) I don't think so.

Kramer: Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked?
Jerry: Believe me, I didn't see anything.
Kramer: Oh, you didn't sneak a peek?
Jerry: No, did you?
Kramer: Yeah, I snuck a peek.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Why not? Hey, what about you George?
George: Yeah, I ... I snuck a peek. But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.
Jerry: I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.

The sad thing is, we'd never know the truth.

George: I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.Jerry: So, hopelessness is the key?George: It's my only hope.

Seinfeld Quotes

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I I I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Jerry

Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The difference between a date and job interview is not many interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end.

Jerry

Seinfeld

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