Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.
George: I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.Jerry: So, hopelessness is the key?George: It's my only hope.
Elaine: How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it?
Jerry: She's really hungry.
Gina: Come, you walk me to a cab.
Jerry: Well, uh, I uh, I don't want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it's not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here.
Gina: You're still afraid. You are not a man.
Jerry: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?
George: So how was it?
Kramer: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life. They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.
Jerry: Whoa. (hits George)
Kramer: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.
Jerry: Wow! (hits George)
Kramer: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson
Jerry: Oh! hits George)
Kramer: We played Backgammon in the nude.
Jerry: Oh! (hits George)
Kramer: She's a sweet kid.
Jerry: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models! (hits George)
Kramer: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That's probably what Rula was trying to warn you about.
George: Yeah, you gotta watch for the jellyfish.
Gina: I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles.
Jerry: You can say what you want about me but I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.
Kramer: Did you hear about Martin?
Jerry: Yeah, I heard.
Kramer: I can't believe he's in a coma. He's got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?
Jerry: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?
Elaine: Nah.
Elaine: Hey, have you ever fasted?
Jerry: Well, once I didn't have dinner until, like nine o'clock. That was pretty rough.
Elaine: I wonder what Gandhi ate before he fasted.Jerry: I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.Elaine: Really?Jerry: Oh yeah, Gandhi loved Triscuits.
Hello Newman.
Jerry: Let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma, before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?Kramer: Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Dr. Kevorkian?