Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
You want an overview? I see a very cheap man holding a damaged sweater, trying to get away with something. That's my overview.
Kramer: I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?
Jerry: You mean a career.
(Closing monologue) I think the best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best part of being sick is when you're in a relationship. And if I was to get married, you know all those vows; for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, all I need is the sickness. That, to me, is the most important one. Do you take this man in sickness? That's the only time I need somebody there. Rest of the time, go out, have a ball, do whatever you want, but if I get the sniffles, you better be there.
(Opening monologue) Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody tries to break in, it goes, Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me? I would like a car alarm like that.
Agent: Sir, if you had read the contract--
Jerry: Did you see the size of that document? It was like the Declaration of Independence! Who's gonna read that?
Elaine: I'll be ostracized from the community.
Jerry: What community? There's a community?
Elaine: Of course there's a community.
Jerry: All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea.
Elaine: Could you go out with a 66-year-old woman?
Jerry: Well, I'll tell ya, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning.
George: (taking the lunch check) Here, let me get that. I smashed your car, cost you $2,000...
Jerry: Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover that.
Elaine: Can you die from an odor? I mean like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?
Jerry: An overdose of odor? Good question.
George: Do I smell?
Elaine: Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?
Jerry: If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex.
Elaine: Hmm... how's the pasta over there?
Rental Agent: Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car.
Elaine: (on Owen) You'd really like him.
Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?
