Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture is very non-confrontational.

George: (working on a crossword) What's a three letter word for candy?Jerry: I could never do those things.

George: Could we cut to the chase here.Jerry: Cut to the chase? What are you Joe Hollywood? I would lose that.

Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
Elaine: Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
Jerry: Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed.

Naked Man: I'm not ashamed of my body.Jerry: That's your problem. You should be.

(to the naked man) Tell you what, if they win the pennant this year, I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.

Kramer: Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. H-E-double N-I...Jerry: Kramer! Yah, that'll do.

I never feel comfortable in the woman's department. I feel like I'm a little too close to trying on a dress.

You want an overview? I see a very cheap man holding a damaged sweater, trying to get away with something. That's my overview.

Dick: So, you're Jerry.
Jerry: So, I'm Jerry.

George: I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chambermaids
Jerry: Yeah, chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too.
George: Why is that?
Jerry: It's a woman in your room.

Jerry: Would you do me a favor?
Kramer: Okay.
Jerry: Would you take a drink and let us smell you?
Kramer: You can smell me without the drink.

Seinfeld Quotes

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I I I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Jerry

Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The difference between a date and job interview is not many interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end.

Jerry

Seinfeld

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