Favorite Jess Mariano Quotes
Luke: I had any interesting call today, want to know who it was from?
Jess: Not really.
Luke: It was from Taylor Doose, you know, he owns the market.
Jess: If you say so.
Luke: He said you came in today.
Jess: He did?
Luke: And he said you took some money out of a little donation cup to help repair the bridge. I told him he was crazy, you wouldn't do that, you weren't a thief, that he was just trying to start trouble. Then I hung up on him. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy hanging up on Taylor and he is crazy. But I was just wondering if maybe any of the other things he said were true.
Jess: What do you think?
Luke: I think that if you tell me that what he's saying is not true, I'm gonna believe it.
Jess: Okay, it's not true.
Luke: That doesn't sound very convincing.
Jess: What exactly do you want from me? You bring me here to this place, you put me in a school that says the Pledge of Allegiance in six different languages, two of which I've never heard of before. You take me away from my home, my friends, and now you want what from me?
Luke: I'm trying to help you!
Jess: Well stop trying! Stop following me, stop talking to me, stop asking me questions! Just stop!
Luke: That's what you want?
Jess: Yes.
Luke: That's really what you want?
Jess: Yes!
Luke: You got it.
Jess: Thank you!
Luke: You're welcome!
(As they cross over a bridge, Luke pushes Jess into the water)
Rory: Do they allow hot dogs in the subway?
Jess: You are such an out-of-towner!
Jess: Look, the crazy ballet teacher called and asked when Luke was getting back from the funeral, if I could unlock the door. I came down, I unlocked the door, then went back upstairs and back to sleep.
Rory: So you did do a little something.
Jess: I unlocked the door.
Rory: So that people could come in here and put this together. Nice.
Jess: Nice for them, not for me.
Rory: You facilitated it, you made it happen, so I guess that means that you're officially a part of our town now.
Jess: Hey, wait a minute.
Rory: Welcome.
Jess: I am not part of this town.
Rory: See you for some tree planting over at the Arbor Day Festival, buddy.
Jess: Yeah, well maybe I can knock over a liquor store while everyone else is planting those stupid trees.
Rory: As long as it's a liquor store in town, neighbor.
Jess: We should have eaten before we came.
Luke: Shh! And, yeah.
Luke: Jess, this is Mia. She owns the Independence Inn.
Jess: Oh.
Luke: That's "hello, nice to meet you" in slacker.
Luke: How can you like that shirt?
Jess: It brings out my eyes.
Lorelai: You know, there have been very few times in my life where I wished I had one of those enormous cream pies that you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.
Jess: Well, now, that's not very neighborly of you.
Lorelai: Hey, you know what? This is my house, and I choose how I get talked to in it, so ha ha!
Luke: (On the phone) Hi, Liz. Yeah, he got here fine.
Jess: Got here at ten this morning.
Luke: Okay, hang on a sec. Jess?
Jess: Pass.
Luke: Jess, come on.
Jess: Nope.
Luke: What am I supposed to tell her?
Jess: Tell her I gotta take another crack at that closet. I think I hung my Tool T-shirt next to my Metallica T-shirt, and they don't really get along.
Luke: You really want me to tell her that?
Jess: You think a different band combo would sell it more?
Jess: I gotta go.
Luke: We got three more places to look at.
Jess: I'm supposed to be at Lorelai's in twenty minutes.
Luke: Right.
Jess: I mean, if you want me to bail on her...
Luke: No, go. I'll take some Polaroids of the next few places-
Jess: Take a Polaroid, paint a still picture, do whatever you want.
Luke: Jess.
Jess: Look. No one asked me if I wanted to move to Star's Hollow, but I'm here. So, pick a place, and I'll be there too.
Luke: I'm having nightmares where I'm being chased by boxes with arms and they tackle me and throw clothes on top of me and secure it with masking tape and while I'm lying there, you're standing in the corner laughing putting gel in your hair!
Jess: Should I be putting a tongue depressor in your mouth right about now?
(Luke comes into his apartment and finds Jess' music blaring and Luke wakes him up)
Jess: What?
Luke: Tomorrow, you and me are finding a bigger place. I want you up and moussed and ready by ten o'clock because we are finding a bigger place to live. Got it?
Jess: Got it.
Luke: Good.
(Jess comes down the stairs drssed in a flannel shirt and a backwards baseball cap)
Lorelai: Uh, Luke...
Luke: What? (sees Jess) What do you think you're doing?
Jess: Working.
Luke: So, you think this is funny.
Jess: I'm sorry, I thought this was the uniform.
Luke: You know what? That's fine. Have your little joke, doesn't bother me at all. Clean that table.
Jess: Yeah?
Luke: I'm ignoring you. You do not exist.
Jess: Okay. (Jess starts to clean table)
Luke: That's it, gets upstairs and change.
Jess: Whatever you say, Uncle Luke.
Luke: It's Luke. Just Luke. Mister Luke. In fact, don't address me at all!
