Favorite Jess Mariano Quotes
Jess: (about Rory) I made sure she was okay.
Luke: I know you did.
Jess: Wanna play some poker? Five bucks a hand.
Luke: No.
Jess: Ten? I can't go any higher than ten.
Luke: Jess-
Jess: Okay, fifteen.
Luke: I don't want to play poker.
Jess: You sure?
Luke: Yeah.
Jess: Okie dokie.
Rory: Thank you so much for bringing me here! You know, I might just show you my withering stare in return.
Jess: I'm a lucky man.
Lorelai: You know, there have been very few times in my life where I wished I had one of those enormous cream pies that you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.
Jess: Well, now, that's not very neighborly of you.
Lorelai: Hey, you know what? This is my house, and I choose how I get talked to in it, so ha ha!
Lorelai: Sookie, Jackson, I want you to meet Luke's nephew. This is Jess.
Sookie: Do you eat cheese?
Jess: What?
Jess: I need ham.
Ceaser: No ham.
Jess: We got a shipment of ham yesterday!
Ceaser: No ham.
Jess: Ceasar, there is a lady over there that has been saying she wants ham for the last twenty minutes and if I go back there empty-handed, there is a fifty-fifty chance that she will eat me!
Ceaser: No ham!
Jess: Then sew some bacon together because that woman is getting ham!
Luke: Wait, you need keys.
Jess: No, I don't. (Leaves)
Luke: I so don't wanna know why.
Luke: (On the phone) Hi, Liz. Yeah, he got here fine.
Jess: Got here at ten this morning.
Luke: Okay, hang on a sec. Jess?
Jess: Pass.
Luke: Jess, come on.
Jess: Nope.
Luke: What am I supposed to tell her?
Jess: Tell her I gotta take another crack at that closet. I think I hung my Tool T-shirt next to my Metallica T-shirt, and they don't really get along.
Luke: You really want me to tell her that?
Jess: You think a different band combo would sell it more?
Luke: Shouldn't we say thanks first?
Jess: For what?
Luke: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for small pox infested blankets.
Lorelai: Amen.
Lorelai tries to get Jess to understand that Luke is trying to help him
Jess: What are you sleeping with him or something?
Lorelai: Excuse me?
Jess: I don't know. The whole starry eyed 'you're so much better off, just give it a chance' speech. You're either really nave, or you're getting some.
Clara: Jess can't throw.
Jess: I can, too.
Clara: You missed every time.
Jess: I can't concentrate with your annoying midget voice yammering on and on. It's like having Stuart Little shoved in my ear.
Clara: Is Jess your real name?
Jess: Yes.
Clara: Do you like it?
Jess: It's fine.
Clara: Would you rather be named Bill?
Jess: No.
Clara: Frank?
Jess: No.
Clara: Mike?
Jess: No.
Clara: Bob?
Jess: No.
Clara: Ed?
Jess: (to Dean) Does this belong to you?
