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Family-guy

Joe: I'll take smelling good over walking good any day.
Bonnie: You don't smell good, Joe.
Joe: I'm sorry, I thought I was alone.

Tim Gunn: Joe, this is Tim Gunn. I agree with your friends.
Joe: I gotta get that guy out of my head.

Peter: We're going nowhere! This bar belongs to us! Ice cream truck! [runs off]
Joe: You didn't get any ice cream?
Peter: The ice cream man was handsome and I got nervous!

Joe: Here you go guys, first time in a while I've had wood in my lap.
Quagmire: Are we supposed to laugh at that? Because it's upsetting.

Peter: You know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial I think we came out ahead.
Joe: Sure. Drive right up to the plane.
Peter: Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. [plane crashes behind him] Oh, they made pretty good time!

Joe: You speak French?
Quagmire: Sure, they love me in France!

Peter: I have two ideas. One that I think is awesome and one that I think is stupid. We could either A: rob a Mafia poker game, or B: skydive
Joe: Skydive? I'd be totally up for that!
Quagmire: Yeah, I've always wanted to try skydiving!
Peter: Really? Eh, could be fun I guess.

Peter: Hey Joe, how often do you have sex with Bonnie?
Joe: Well, my HMO only pays for the equipment once a year, why?

Joe: Are we sure this is the way to the dining hall?
Quagmire: Oh, I'm sorry, are your feet getting tired? God, I'd love to be able to wheel around in a toy all day.

Bonnie's making wallets now. Look, she's gonna ask you guys to buy one, I'll just give you the money, just don't throw it out within 5 miles of where we live.

Quagmire: Joe, your 25-year-old son and your baby daughter share a room just so you can keep a weirdo Beautiful Mind room? Isn't that a little bizarre?
Kevin Swanson: And then we the dug the bullets out of that Iraqi family's skulls so they couldn't be traced back to us.
Susie Swanson: [thinking in Patrick Stewart's voice] Today, I saw the moon!

Joe: [in flashback] Easy, Briggs, you kill a cop, they'll put you away forever.
Bobby Briggs: Then get ready to spend the rest of your life as a lame gimp with an annoying-voiced wife.
Joe: He meant Bonnie.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 81 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

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