Joe Swanson Quotes
Season 11, Episode 19: "Save the Clam"
Tim Gunn: Joe, this is Tim Gunn. I agree with your friends.
Joe: I gotta get that guy out of my head.
• Rating: Unrated
Peter: We're going nowhere! This bar belongs to us! Ice cream truck! [runs off]
Joe: You didn't get any ice cream?
Peter: The ice cream man was handsome and I got nervous!
• Rating: Unrated
Season 11, Episode 17: "Bigfat"
Joe: Here you go guys, first time in a while I've had wood in my lap.
Quagmire: Are we supposed to laugh at that? Because it's upsetting.
• Rating: Unrated
Peter: You know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial I think we came out ahead.
Joe: Sure. Drive right up to the plane.
Peter: Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. [plane crashes behind him] Oh, they made pretty good time!
• Rating: Unrated
Joe: You speak French?
Quagmire: Sure, they love me in France!
• Rating: Unrated
Season 11, Episode 15: "Turban Cowboy"
Peter: I have two ideas. One that I think is awesome and one that I think is stupid. We could either A: rob a Mafia poker game, or B: skydive
Joe: Skydive? I'd be totally up for that!
Quagmire: Yeah, I've always wanted to try skydiving!
Peter: Really? Eh, could be fun I guess.
• Rating: Unrated
Season 11, Episode 14: "Call Girl"
Peter: Hey Joe, how often do you have sex with Bonnie?
Joe: Well, my HMO only pays for the equipment once a year, why?
• Rating: Unrated
Season 11, Episode 11: "The Giggity Wife"
Joe: Are we sure this is the way to the dining hall?
Quagmire: Oh, I'm sorry, are your feet getting tired? God, I'd love to be able to wheel around in a toy all day.
• Rating: Unrated
Joe: Bonnie's making wallets now. Look, she's gonna ask you guys to buy one, I'll just give you the money, just don't throw it out within 5 miles of where we live.
• Rating: Unrated
Season 11, Episode 5: "Joe's Revenge"
Quagmire: Joe, your 25-year-old son and your baby daughter share a room just so you can keep a weirdo Beautiful Mind room? Isn't that a little bizarre?
Kevin Swanson: And then we the dug the bullets out of that Iraqi family's skulls so they couldn't be traced back to us.
Susie Swanson: [thinking in Patrick Stewart's voice] Today, I saw the moon!
• Rating: Unrated
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Total Quotes: 80
