Joe: Here you go guys, first time in a while I've had wood in my lap.
Quagmire: Are we supposed to laugh at that? Because it's upsetting.

• Permalink: Here you go guys, first time in a while I've had wood in my lap....
• Added: April 29, 2013

Peter: You know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial I think we came out ahead.
Joe: Sure. Drive right up to the plane.
Peter: Exactly. If we went to Logan, that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least. [plane crashes behind him] Oh, they made pretty good time!

• Permalink: You know, we saved so much trouble not flying commercial I think...
• Added: April 29, 2013

Joe: You speak French?
Quagmire: Sure, they love me in France!

• Permalink: You speak French? Sure, they love me in France!
• Added: April 29, 2013

Peter: I have two ideas. One that I think is awesome and one that I think is stupid. We could either A: rob a Mafia poker game, or B: skydive
Joe: Skydive? I'd be totally up for that!
Quagmire: Yeah, I've always wanted to try skydiving!
Peter: Really? Eh, could be fun I guess.

• Permalink: Skydive Skydive? I'd be totally up for that! Yeah, I've alwa...
• Added: March 17, 2013

Peter: Hey Joe, how often do you have sex with Bonnie?
Joe: Well, my HMO only pays for the equipment once a year, why?

• Permalink: Hey Joe, how often do you have sex with Bonnie? Well, my HMO o...
• Added: March 10, 2013

Joe: Are we sure this is the way to the dining hall?
Quagmire: Oh, I'm sorry, are your feet getting tired? God, I'd love to be able to wheel around in a toy all day.

• Permalink: Are we sure this is the way to the dining hall? Oh, I'm sorry,...
• Added: January 27, 2013

Bonnie's making wallets now. Look, she's gonna ask you guys to buy one, I'll just give you the money, just don't throw it out within 5 miles of where we live.

• Permalink: Bonnie's making wallets now. Look, she's gonna ask you guys to b...
• Added: January 27, 2013

Quagmire: Joe, your 25-year-old son and your baby daughter share a room just so you can keep a weirdo Beautiful Mind room? Isn't that a little bizarre?
Kevin Swanson: And then we the dug the bullets out of that Iraqi family's skulls so they couldn't be traced back to us.
Susie Swanson: [thinking in Patrick Stewart's voice] Today, I saw the moon!

• Permalink: Joe, your 25-year-old son and your baby daughter share a room ju...
• Added: November 18, 2012

Joe: [in flashback] Easy, Briggs, you kill a cop, they'll put you away forever.
Bobby Briggs: Then get ready to spend the rest of your life as a lame gimp with an annoying-voiced wife.
Joe: He meant Bonnie.

• Permalink: Easy, Briggs, you kill a cop, they'll put you away forever. Th...
• Added: November 18, 2012

Quagmire: Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch.
Joe: ...I lied.

• Permalink: Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you? You alw...
• Added: November 18, 2012

Peter: Listen, Quagmire. We hate you now.
Joe: Yeah, you used to be fun.
Peter: Yeah, now you're always either preparing for a colonoscopy or just coming back from a colonoscopy.

• Permalink: Listen, Quagmire. We hate you now. Yeah, you used to be fun. ...
• Added: November 04, 2012

Peter: Wow, I guess all this time Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity!"
Joe: Hah!
Peter: No, but he is our friend.

• Permalink: Wow, I guess all this time Quagmire should've been saying wiggit...
• Added: November 04, 2012