The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXKent Brockman Quotes
Lisa: One thing I've always wondered How can Fox News be so conservative when the Fox Network keeps airing raunchy shows? They don't fit together.
(Lisa then proceeds to flips channels between Fox News and Fox Network until Kent Brockman takes the remote control away from her.)
Kent: Fox deliberately runs shows that will earn them huge fines which are then funneled through the F.C.C. straight to the Republican Party. Everybody in the media knows it, but no one has the guts to say it.
Homer: Marge, the couch is lumpy!
Kent: That's because you're sitting on me, you lummox!
Kent Brockman: It's blob rule on the streets of Springfield! And to make matters worse, we're being attacked by a fifty-foot Lenny!
Fifty-Foot Lenny: Everyone's paying attention to Homer.
Carl: I still like you.
Fifty-Foot Lenny: Thanks, Invisible Carl!
(Marge hides as Kent Brockman inspects the gazebo she built.)
Kent Brockman: Mm-mmm! Simpson, you're a master craftsman.
Homer: Listen, what would you say if I told you a woman did most of the work?
Kent Brockman: I'd have this gazebo torn down and built into a coffin...for your manhood.
Homer: (Shrieks)
Kent Brockman: Why did my hypothetical scenario scare you so?
Homer: Uh, like all manly men, I have a vivid imagination.
Kent Brockman: Well said! Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.
(Kent Brockman reports on the Springfield presidential primary.)
Kent Brockman: With Springfield's primary now first in the nation, our humble city is overrun with candidates, newshounds, spin doctors, hacks, flacks, Russerts, Blitzers and even the occasional voter. (to Moe) Sir, do have a preference?
Moe: Yeah, I like girls, fruit loop.
Kent Brockman: Oh. Are you a registered voter?
Moe: I'm a registered something.
Kent Brockman: America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billie the Kid. Bonnie and Clyde. Jesus Christ.
Kent Brockman: Today, Springfield will experience a rare total eclipse of the sun. A solar eclipse is like a woman breast-feeding in a restaurant. It's free, it's beautiful, but under no circumstances should you look at it. We recommend using a homemade "camera obscura", fashioned from an ordinary shoebox and paper towel tube.
(Kent reaches under his desk and pulls out an unmade camera obscura)
Kent Brockman: (fuming) This... was supposed to be pre-made. Fine, I'll do it myself. Where's the end of the frickin' tape?! Forget it! We'll do it next week!
Cameraman: (off-screen) The eclipse is today.
Kent Brockman: (shouting) There's an eclipse when I say there's an eclipse!
Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever . . . Football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning.
TV Voiceover: Warning, tickets should not be taken internally.
Homer: See, because of me, now they have a warning.
Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.
Well, this reporter was ... possibly a little hasty earlier and would like to reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. It may not be perfect, but it's the best government we have. For now.
The spacecraft has apparently been taken over "conquered" if you will by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain. There is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
Good night. Oh, and the President was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night. Or you could turn to another channel oh, do not turn to another channel.
