This hair at a pool party? One dunk and it goes off like an airbag.

Phil: Sounds fun, wear your helmets.
Manny: We will. I'm not writing my first novel by blowing through a tube.

Manny: You have to face it Jay, one day I’m gonna be moving out of this house.
Jay: Can I get that in writing? Cause I just can’t shake this image of a 30 year old you, eating my food and cuddling with my wife.
Gloria: Boys should never stop cuddling their mothers.
Jay: I’m gonna have nightmares!

I don’t get it, you’re the greatest generation, but why can’t you feel?

Jay: Why do you look like that when I look like this?
Manny: My friends say it’s because of your money.

Jay: Trees are like women, the best ones make you work just a little bit harder.
Manny: She’s just not that into you.

Manny: You know what’s super helpful? When the guy in line behind you calls you Mount Sweatmore.
Luke: I was trying to relax you.

Andy: I'm the new Manny.
Manny: Am I being replaced?

Manny: Wow that was very mature of you.
Jay: Yeah well I'm a lot older now than when she started getting dressed.

Manny: She's having her hair blown out.
Jay: That's a thing? That I pay for?

Doesn't the wine make the cow drunk?

Phil: The universe punished me. I did something awful to a bunch of baby crows.
Manny: Actually it's not a bunch of crows, it's called a murder.
Phil: I know what I did!

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

Phil