Happy Valentine's Day, it's the one time of year when the world tries to be as romantic as I am all the time. Good luck world.

Kids make fun of you if you get a haircut. I just gave them a full blown sex scandal.

If you're hungry for broccoli later, you'll find a piece in your teeth.

Can I offer you a Pina Delgado?

Manny: Does anyone care that I'm not from Mexico?
Luke: You keep saying that but we've never seen a birth certificate.

Manny: Luke I need you for this. You're sneakier than I am, you a bigger liar, you have no moral compass.
Luke: Look thanks for all the compliments, but breaking into one stupid party? That's not even a challenge.

Occupado big guy, find another foxhole.

I know this whole thing is a little scary for you. Last time you were pregnant you kind of did it alone because dad wasn't around much, but this time you have two partners.

What if this baby doesn't think things through, it's part Jay!

Oh please, I was an anomaly, I self potty trained.

I may not be the tallest or the most athletic, but someday I'll be the richest which is good because the ladies love that. And I've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle.

Manny: I don't like the sound of that. A lot of amenities disappear when an H turns into an M!
Jay: Hey when I met you, you were eating cereal out of a bucket.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.