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Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
Ms. Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.
- Permalink: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent. Ralph, remember th...
Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors.
Miss Hoover: The children have a right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. Now, take out your red crayons.
Ralph: Miss Hoover. I don't have a red crayon.
Miss Hoover: Why not?
Ralph: I ate it.
- Permalink: My parents won't let me use scissors. The children have a righ...
Miss Hoover: You may now exchange Valentines.
Ralph: Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.
- Permalink: You may now exchange Valentines. Miss Hoover, I glued my head ...
The Monorail Song
Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!
Homer: Heh heh! Mule.
Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! (audience gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map!
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty & Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
(crowd chants "Monorail" softly and rhythmically)
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll all be given cushy jobs.
Grampa: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
Homer: Mono... D'oh!
- Permalink: The Monorail Song Y'know, a town with money is like a mule wit...
Ms. Hoover: You must have read to her at a young age.
Homer: I did! I did read to her! (flashback) 8:00, Happy Days. The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool.
- Permalink: You must have read to her at a young age. 00, Happy Days. The F...
Miss Hoover: Now put paste on your paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste?
Ralph Wiggum: (Gluestick poking out of his mouth) No, Miss. Hoover.
- Permalink: Now put paste on your paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste? ...
Edna: We're going to take a test.
Hoover: We're going to take a test.
Lisa: All right, a test!
- Permalink: We're going to take a test. We're going to take a test. A...
Miss Hoover: Now sprinkle your sparkles on your paste. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles.
Lisa: Shove it.
- Permalink: Now sprinkle your sparkles on your paste. Lisa, you're not sprin...
Hoover: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named 'Old Hickory'?
Lisa: I don't know. You?
Hoover: Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment, you'd know the answer is... (flips to answers) The Battle of New Orleans. I mean, Andrew Jackson.
Lisa: Well, you're earning your eighteen grand a year.
- Permalink: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named 'Old Hickory'? ...
Since we have fifteen minute until recess, please put down your pencils and stare at the front of the room.
- Permalink: Since we have fifteen minute until recess, please put down your ...
Question sixty. I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or (c) bank customers.
- Permalink: Question sixty. I prefer the smell of gasoline, French fries, ...
Ralph: What's Lyme Disease?
Principal Skinner: I'll field that one. Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called ticks. When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood. Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
Miss Hoover: The Brain? Oh dear god!
- Permalink: What's Lyme Disease? I'll field that one. Lyme disease is spre...