The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite Moe Szyslak Quotes
Okay, everybody, for the next 15 minutes, one-third off on every pitcher! (Crowd cheers) Hey, one per customer. Domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing!
Moe
Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butts.
Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? A Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butts! Wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
(At Moe's, Patty interrupts Selma and Barney's date.)
Selma: Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness just for me?
Patty: Yes.
Selma: Oh. Thanks.
Patty: Now, let's go get some pancakes.
Selma: Uh, listen, Barney, uh... Aah.
(Patty and Selma get up and leave.)
Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. (Sobs)
Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds.
Barney: (Sees a full pitcher of beer.) Well, what do you know? You're right! And, look, a whole pitcher to myself!
Moe: Aw, isn't that nice. Now there is a politician who cares.
Barney: If I ever vote, it'll be for him!
Krusty: (Singing) Oh Mein Papa, to me he was so wonderful, Oh Mein Papa, to me he was so good, no one could be, so gentle and so loveable, Oh Mein Papa he always understood!
Moe: I've got something in my eye.
Barney: Here, take my hanky.
Moe: Euueeh!
(answers phone) Moe's Tavern... Hold on, I'll check. (aloud) Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and... I like to kiss my own butt.
The Flaming Moe is not for sale. Do you know how much of my blood and sweat are in this drink? (everybody in the bar spits out their drink) Uh, figure of speech.
Gin and tonic? Do they mix?
Homer: Where's that waitress of yours?
Moe: Oh, she left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she was better off here.
Barney: Hey, what's this?
Moe: A sneeze guard.
Barney: (sneezes) Wow, it really works!
Business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
Jeepers, Mary, and Joseph! Sleep with a chick once and it costs me half a million bananas!
