The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite Moe Szyslak Quotes
Moe: Pretty much if it moves, you can bet on it.
Homer: What about the Detroit Lions?
Moe: Hey, lay off Detroit. Them people is livin' in Mad Max times.
I moved here because on a calculator, the ZIP Code spells "boobs."
Selma: What a cheap date.
Moe: I'm not cheap baby. I'm embarrassed to be seen with you. There's a big difference.
Moe: And that's that. Another story in the classic infallible three-act structure. Good enough for Aristotle, good enough for The Simpsons.
Lisa: Mr. Szyslak I have feeling there's going to be one more act to this story.
Moe: Well I'm not hanging around for that. Pfftt. Four acts.
Moe: They're headed for the old mill!
Homer: No we're not!
Moe: Well then, let's go to the old mill anyway to get some cider!
Lenny: Homer, don't be so quick to abandon this paparazzo thing.
Carl: Yeah, it's the American tradition to cut people down to size because they're brought so much joy into our lives.
Lenny: You know who I can't stand? That Robin Williams. You know one time I saw him eating dinner with his children. He wouldn't take the time out to do all the funny bits from his movies.
Carl: And my sister once saw Burt Reynolds at an airport, and he wouldn't even cosign her mortgage.
Homer: You guys are right! I should get back into the game. (Moaning) Oh, but I threw away my camera!
Moe: Oh, here. (Hands Homer his camera) Use this one. I was gonna use it to take secret photos in the ladies' toilet, but no dames ever come in this joint.
Homer: Thanks, Moe. (Leaves the bar)
Moe: Sure.
(Two pretty women enter)
Woman #1: Excuse me, do you have a ladies' room?
Woman #2: We need to trade bras and panties.
Moe: Oh! You gotta be kidding me! (Breaks a beer bottle horizontally with his hands.)
Marge: Any minute now, he'll scamper through that doggy door.
Homer: Any minute now, I'll be the dog she's lookin' for.
Barney, Moe, Lenny, and Carl: Any minute now, you'll be stuck with her brood.
Patty and Selma: Any minute now, this pooch will know she's screwed.
Marge: My hearts tells me to trust him.
Patty and Selma: But your head knows he's a hound.
Homer: I want to do the right thing.
Moe: Come on! With all this high class tail around?
(Hooker Dog smokes a cigarette, coughs badly)
Fleas: Any minute now, our girl will make a brand new start.
Patty and Selma: Yes!
Marge: Any minute now, I won't care that broke my heart.
Marge and Homer: Annnny minnnute nooooow.
Marge: I don't think the guns are a good idea!
Homer: Marge! We're responsible adults a--
(Gun shot)
Moe: Whoops!
Homer: And if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way--
(Gun shot)
Captain McCallister: Sorry!
(gun shot)
Principal Skinner: Uh oh!
(Gun shot)
Moe: Me again...
(Gun shot)
Bart: Sorry.
Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell no.
Simon: How do you like LA?
Moe: It's a hell of a city. It's like someone stepped on New York and scraped it off on the beach.
Moe: Linda Ronstadt?! How did you get her?
Barney: Ah, we've been looking for a project to do together for a while.
Moe: Flaming Moe's.
Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name Hugh.
Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. (Calling) Hugh Jass! Somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
Hugh: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone. (Hands over the receiver)
Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: (Surprised) Uh, hi.
Hugh: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. (hangs up) What a nice young man.
