The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite Mr. Burns Quotes
Mr. Burns: I must have her! Smithers, zoom in. Closer! Closer! Closer, dammit!
(the camera hits Marge in the head)
Marge: Ow!
Mr. Burns: Too close.
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off you!
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.
Smithers: I prepared a special musical number for Jack's special night.
Smithers: There is a man.
Chorus: There is a man!
Smithers: A certain man.
Chorus: A certain man!
Smithers: A man whose grace and handsome face are known across the land. You know his name.
Chorus: You know his name!
Smithers: It's Mr. Burns.
Chorus: It's Mr. Burns!
Smithers: He loves a smoke, enjoys a joke.
Mr. Burns & Chorus: Ah ha ha ha!
Smithers: Why he's worth ten times what he earns.
Chorus: He's Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: I'm Mr. Burns!
Smithers: He's Monty Burns!
Mr. Burns: I'm MR. Burns!
Smithers & Chorus: To friends he's known as Monty, but to you it's Mr. Burns!
Smithers: Bur-bur-bur-bur-Burns.
Mr. Burns: Burns!
I'll tell you my tale.. by thinking it to myself.
Mr. Burns [narrating]
And that's where we came in. Now, without further ado, here's what happened next. But first, I'll daydream about a sport utility vehicle, a crispy chicken sandwich, and a wonderful blue pill!
Mr. Burns: Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by.
Marge: Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares?
(The lawyers confer with each other)
Lawyer: Yes, he would.
Mr. Burns: What, how dare you disturb us during nap time!
Lady: We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Comission. This is a surprise test of worker competence.
Mr. Burns: There must be some mistake. Weee... make cookies here. Mr. Burns old fashion good time, extra chewy..
Man: Get the axe!
Man: Umm, excuse me. What are you doing?
Mr. Burns: I'm giving you the beating of your life!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened, I'm actually happy. Take a note! From now on, I'm only going to be good and kind to everyone.
Smithers: I'm sorry sir, I don't have a pencil.
Mr. Burns: Oh, don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it.
Smithers: On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun.
Mr. Burns: I won't get what I really want.
Smithers: No one does.
(He imagines Mr. Burns appearing half-naked out of a cake and singing happy birthday to him.)
(In 1,000,000 A.D. Mr. Burns, his body that of a robot, comes across Bobo)
Mr. Burns: Bobo, I know I say this every century, but I'll never leave you behind again.
(He runs off with Bobo, followed by Smithers, whose body is that of a robot dog)
Smithers: Wait for me, sir! Ruff!
Smithers: You want your bear Bobo, don't you?
Mr. Burns: Liar! I'll give you the thrashing of a lifetime...nggg...nyeeh. Resistance is futile!
