South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralMr. Mackey Quotes
I don't know what to believe in any more, mmkay!
Sergeant Yates: I know you're all worried about your family's security. All I can tell you is that so far Bane has not been caught.
Mr. Mackey: What are we supposed to do? I mean, if Bane is out there on the loose, then none of us are safe. And one Bane's bad enough, but apparently we've got like, like seven Banes, mmkay?
If you throw that away, I will rape you in the mouth.
Principal: Hello, boys.
Stan: Wait, what's going on here?
Kyle: Alright look, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortions.That's all we know.
Mr. Mackey: You didn't do anything wrong, boys; We just need to talk to you. Have a seat.
(Stan and Kyle sit down)
Mr. Mackey: Well boys, your little friend, Kenny, went to the hospital last night, m'kay? And well...he's pretty sick.
Kyle: Kenny's sick?
Stan: Well, how sick?
Chef: Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a terminal disease.
Stan: But the doctor's are gonna make him better, right?
Sharon: Oh, dear.
Stan But mom, that's what hospitals are for, they can make him better.
Sharon: Oh, Randy.
Randy: They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means--well son...that means he's gonna be going to Heaven soon.
Kyle: Wait, Kenny's going to die?
Gerald: He might, Kyle.
Stan: But he's our f-f-friend.
Mr. Mackey: We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now, more then ever.
Stan: No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!
(Stan begins sobbing into his dad's shoulder)
(to Cartman) But you know, if you have completely lost your sense of humor, you can always become a writer for the show, Friends. (laughs)
Mr. Mackey: Well, what did you used to think was funny?
Cartman: You know, all the usual stuff. Dirty jokes, funny movies, seeing someone die. This morning, I even saw a little girl get her fingers caught in a car door and I couldn't laugh. I mean I, I knew it was funny, but I couldn't laugh.
Penis or vagina! Right, oral sex. Mmkay.
[Mr. Mackey doesn't know about sex]
Stan: Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse, Mr. Mackey?
Mr. Mackey: Well, sure I have! It's just I was about 19 at the time, so it's been about 21 years, m'kay. Let's see, uh, I'm pretty sure I took the -. Yeah I took the penis, and I but what the hell did I do with that damned thing?
Mr. Mackey: Now Eric, all these people came here and paid to send you to camp because they care about you.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah except for me, I just wanted to see the look on your face when we told you.
Mr. Mackey: Every year the fourth graders do "The Miracle Worker", and every year we have to sit and watch it.
Principal Victoria: Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time I'd put a bullet in my head. But luckily, I got really stoned before I came.
After being dismissed from teaching, he went off to write romance novels. His first novel sold very well and everything was fine until he found out his novel won the Gay Pulitzer Prize, and was considered the best homo-erotic novel since 'Huckleberry Finn'.
Chef: Hey, Mackey! Sign up to march on Wednesday?
Mr. Mackey: Oh, Wednesday? Wednesday's tough. I guess- maybe I could do somethin' uh, Thursday afternoon.
Chef: Alright, fudge it, Thursday. Anyone else wanna go Thursday?
Principal Victoria: Thursday's no good, we've got choir council.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, yeah.
Principal Victoria: What about next Sunday?
Chef: Fine! Next Sunday!
Man 1: You mean, during the ball game?
Man 2: Oh, yeah. We can't do Sunday.
Chef: Monday??
Principal Victoria: Oh, I can't do Monday.
Man: I could do Tuesday.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, Tuesday morning's good.
Woman: You know what would be better for me is Saturday afternoon.
Man 2: Saturday is perfect for me.
Principal Victoria: Yeah. How about Saturday at 11:30?
Woman: Yeah.
Man 3: That sounds good.
Man 2: Yep.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, I think that's the best day.
Chef: Okay! On Saturday, we march!
Man 2: Oh, march? What are we marching for?
Chef: To bring down the South Park Flag!
(People start walking away)
Man: Oh, I gotta go.
