Michael: Don't I look kind of British?
British Clerk: Perhaps if you're willing to lose twenty pounds.
Narrator: The clerk was asking for a bribe, but this was lost on Michael.
Michael: You guys do go for the jugular.

George Michael: I'm just in the middle of a stupid girl problem. That's all.
Michael: I don't even have a girl, much less a stupid one.
George Michael: No, the problem is stupid; the girl isn't stupid.
Narrator: But if they ever had a child, it would be. Because the girl was his cousin Maeby.

Michael was filled with self-loathing. Had he been Jack the Ripper, he would have soothed himself in a most unsavory way. But instead, he just sat in his car and ate a whole thing of candy beans.

Michael: Uncle Oscar can last one more day in prison.
Narrator: Not according to that day's blog at ImOscar.com.

Narrator: Next, on Arrested Development...Maeby finds someone to help her forget her cousin: her cousin.

Gob: Well, I will tell you this, Michael. I don't have a son ...
Narrator: He does.
Gob: But if I ever do, I'm either gonna take him to the cabin in the woods. Or I'm gonna promise to take him and then not take him, but the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him.
Narrator: Gob was growing up.

(Tobias has just found a way to convince Lindsay that Kitty loves him)
Tobias: If this tableau I recreate, perhaps I can resnare my mate!
Narrator: Gee, why wouldn't she want him back?

Narrator: If Steve had a father, he would have warned him not to go into the woods with strange men, but he didn't.
Steve Holt: Sure, let's go!

(Oscar pleading to Michael while in prison)
Oscar: I'm your uncle. I'm your dad's twin brother. I'm Oscar, he switched on me! No one believes me.
Narrator: Unfortunately, for Oscar, "You've got the wrong twin" was a popular alibi.
(Cut to Oscar being dragged into the police station handcuffed)
Man in Handcuffs: You simply got the wrong twin.
Arrested Twin #1: We're quadruplets, you got the wrong two!
Arrested Twin #2: We're Larry and Dave!
Arrested Twin #1: You want Curtis and Jack!

Lucille: I'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to get drunk by 1 o' clock.
Narrator: As it turns out, she had gotten up early and had taken pain medication because of a hangover-related headache. However, she mistook the drowsy-eye/alcohol warning for a winking-eye alcohol suggestion.

Michael: Oh, no. What, Buster, for the first time ever, doesn't want to do this?
Lucille: No, no, he does. It's just he's been so mopey.
Michael: Well, that could have something to do with the fact that a seal ate his hand.
Lucille: I don't know what it is.
Michael: I think that's what it is.
Lucille: Who knows?
Narrator: It was that.

Barry: You really wanna settle this, now your job is to convince that "wife" of yours that you are willing to go in front of a judge and admit that you never had sex.
Gob: She has a name Barry. You don't happen to know what it is by the way, do ya?
Barry: That's why I want to settle...I'm not "super prepared".
Gob: Well, we did have sex...and I'm not a great liar.
Narrator: Both things he just said were lies.

Arrested Development Quotes

Gob: Take off your glasses. Oh ... Wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.
Kitty: Let me turn the lights off.
Gob: Yes, yes, please.
Kitty: How's that? Is that better?
Gob: It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door.

Lucille: I'll have the Ike and Tina tuna.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.