Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquer!That is 4-proof! That is safe to drink while you're pregnant!

They threw in something called 'septic enzymes,' which I don't know what they are but you are definitely not supposed to get them in your eyes.

I'm a small business owner!

Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

I don't know what "mazel tov" means, but it doesn't sound good.

Let the Decider decide! I am not the Suggester!

Sam: Ice it, 24 hours. Keep it elevated.
Nick: He even exits cool

Holly, he's really happy! He's got a 401K and a six-pack!

Nick: You never listen to pipe talk.
Jess: Pipe talk is boring.

Nick: Band of Brothers!
Schmidt: Your friendship means nothing to me. Every man for himself!

This coat has clean lines and pockets that just don't quit.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

You know what they call Seattle in Portland? North Portland. Or Vancouver's shoe.

Jess