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New-girl

Jess: I don't want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?
Nick: Yeah, sure. I'm not doing anything today.

Winston: You, my friend, have become her fluffer.
Nick: Like in porn?
Winston: Her emotional fluffer!

Jess: I had the best sex of my life last night.
Nick: Oh so that was you? I thought it was a couple bums fighting.
Jess: It wasn't. It was me. Having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down. I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie and that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.

Nick: Let's just say, we live in a world where time exists. If that's the case-
Schmidt: 1. Marie Antoinette. 2 Cleopatra 3. Young Ann Margret 4. Old Ann Margret -
Nick: Would you shut up, you clown!

Old Nick: Can I tell you something?
Nick: Not really.
Old Nick: I'm you, from the future.
Nick: Well, that's a first.

Jess: I got laid off.
Winston: What!?
Nick: Are you serious?
Schmidt: Obama...

Sure, I could get a girl drunk and topless with only some crushed ice, a hollowed out papaya, and two fingers of rum. But then I grew up, and now I only want to make a drink that a coal miner would want. Straightforward, honest. Something that says, "I work in a hole".

Caroline is way hotter than that voice in my head who sounds like Tom Waits and tells me I look bad in hats.

Sandwiches and sex!? I want that!

Jess: Nick put on some pants or at least some really high socks.
Nick: Really high socks it is then!

Schmidt: Would you line up around the corner if the iPhone was called "the slippery germ brick"?
Nick: Yeah, I probably would actually.

Nick: Schmidt...I need you to teach me to be a douchebag
Schmidt: Let's get started.
Winston: What is happening in the world?

Displaying quotes 109 - 120 of 126 in total

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

I know I'm gullible because a lot of people tell me that and I have no reason not to believe them.

Jess
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