They threw in something called 'septic enzymes,' which I don't know what they are but you are definitely not supposed to get them in your eyes.

I'm a small business owner!

Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

Jess: Do you want to know what I'm wearing under this shirt?
Nick: Yeah, sure.
Jess: An invisible shirt.

I don't know what "mazel tov" means, but it doesn't sound good.

Let the Decider decide! I am not the Suggester!

Sam: Ice it, 24 hours. Keep it elevated.
Nick: He even exits cool

Holly, he's really happy! He's got a 401K and a six-pack!

Nick: You never listen to pipe talk.
Jess: Pipe talk is boring.

Nick: Band of Brothers!
Schmidt: Your friendship means nothing to me. Every man for himself!

This coat has clean lines and pockets that just don't quit.

You're the deer! He wants to kill you! You're the deer!

New Girl Quotes

I'm gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, 'Ewww, why did you say moist? I hate that word?' and I'm gonna be like, 'Taste the cake!' And they're gonna be like, 'Damn, it's moist!'"

Coach

Nick is so, so, so hot! I want to rub my face on his face!

Sarah