If you were a hat, you'd be a top hat. But like a really big Monopoly one. And I say that with deepest compliments.

I can't believe I'm the sober one. That's actually never happened before in my life.

Fantasy and nightmare colliding.

I'm very poor. Having a checking account would be an honor. I've written a zombie book. It's terrible. I'm a slow runner. I'm obsessed with karate.

What happens in the sleigh is that I'll be your reindeer and take your toys to the sky.

Nick: Because college is so expensive...
Angie: I'm a stripper.

Nick: I don't get it. Is this bath water?
Schmidt: Might as well be; it's rosé.

Jess: You care about burritos more than my children?
Nick: You're putting me in a tough spot right now!

What are you going to do for 20 minutes of foreplay? Boring! Yawn! Am I right, ladies?

No part of this conversation is making me wanna boil over with rage.

I hate doors!

Nick: I didn't punch a girl. I punched a horrifying monster. You of all people should know this, Frankenstein!
Frankenstein: You're the real monster!

New Girl Quotes

Beans are nothing but soggy nuts!

Schmidt

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt