You're all the porn I need.

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

I'm feeling better now...OH GOD IT'S CANCER!!!

Don't talk black to me!

Gather round like you're hugging me, but don't touch me!

This stuff's really hitting me. My insides feel like velvet.

If I never wake up, I'd hate for the last thing you ever said to me to be a lie.

We raised our kids right. One of them will come forward, or the other two will rat them out.

Claire: We're gonna pass into legend. The parents who canceled Christmas.
Phil: I thought you'd be happy.
Claire: They'll write songs about us. They'll make a Christmas special with those ugly little clay pieces.

Phil: I can forgive the smoking, but I can't forgive the lie.
[Claire glares at him]
Phil: Or the smoking.

I guess the couch did it to itself. I guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.

Phil: Goodbye Dunphy Christmas. Haley, I guess you're not getting that car.
Haley: I was getting a car?
Phil: No, I was lying. Because that's what Dunphys do now, we're liars.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.