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Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, whom apparently the drink was named after
Phil: Oh come, they were funny
Claire: They kept grabbing my butt
Phil: Somebody is full of herself. It's a Colombian wedding tradition.. they said
- Permalink: My mom started drinking these c**ktails called horny Colombians ...
Jay and I are buds, for sure, but with kind of um, an invisible, asterisk. Um, he's not the, he's not a talker, or, or hugger. Once he ran over my foot with his car. But in his defense, he had just given up smoking, but basically we're buds
- Permalink: Jay and I are buds, for sure, but with kind of um, an invisible,...
Phil: If things have gone differently in my life I could have been a pilot.... What would happen if you turn the remote off and on right again?
Jay: Yeah, you would have made a great pilot
- Permalink: If things have gone differently in my life I could have been a p...
Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I'm all about taking it to the next level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the next level. Did you really not know that?
- Permalink: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his g...
Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No, no way. Not while my wife is still alive
- Permalink: Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No, no way. ...
Phil: Kids, get down here!
Haley: Why are you guys yelling at us? We were way upstairs, just text me.
Claire: Alright, that's not going to happen and...wow, you're not wearing that outfit.
Haley: What's wrong with it?
Claire [to Phil]: Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?
Phil: Sorry. Oh yeah, it looks really cute sweetheart.
Claire [to Haley]: No, it's way too short. People know you're a girl; you don't need to prove it to them
- Permalink: Kids, get down here! Why are you guys yelling at us? We were w...
Phil: I'm cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face
- Permalink: Why the face
Claire: I was out of control growing up, there you know, I said it. I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made. If Hailey never wakes up on a beach in Florida half naked, I've done my job.
Phil: Our job.
Claire: Right, I've done our job
- Permalink: If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida half-naked, I've d...