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Phil: It's nice to see you Gloria. [Hugs Gloria]
Gloria: Two times today.
Phil: Okay. [Goes in for another hug]
Claire: Uh, Phil, she means we've seen them two times today
- Permalink: It's nice to see you Gloria. Two times today. Okay. Uh, ...
Jay: No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don't get hurt.
Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug... creates a tripping hazard...and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking
- Permalink: No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, p...
Claire likes to say "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." But I happen to believe you can be both
- Permalink: Claire likes to say You can be part of the problem, or part of t...
Haley: Okay, mom just doesn't trust me and it's not fair.
Phil: She trusts you, it's just the weird stuff that happens at concerts. Boys get urges.
Haley: Eww! Dad, is there something you want?
Phil: Yes, there is., to connect with this girl right here. Now come on, pretend I'm not your dad. We're just a couple of friends kickin' it in a juice bar.
Haley: What's a juice bar?
Phil: Okay a malt shop, whatever.
Haley: Dad, I don't...
Phil: No, who's dad, who's dad? I'm Marcus, from Biology. Hey Haley! How's it going with you and Dylan? Does he try anything inappropriate with you, girl?
Haley [answering her phone]: Hey. I don't know, nothing, just talking to some dork I met in a malt shop
- Permalink: Okay, mom just doesn't trust me and it's not fair. She trusts ...
Phil [to Manny]: Nice moustache
Jay: Don't make fun of him or he'll burn your house down
- Permalink: Nice moustache Don't make fun of him or he'll burn your house ...
Phil: I think what your mother is worried about is you getting your heart broken when Dylan goes off to college next year
Claire [same time]: That's not what I'm worried about...
Haley [same time]: Dylan's not going to college
Claire: He's not going to college?
Haley: He's in a band, they're going on tour
Claire: Oh this keeps getting better and better
- Permalink: I think what your mother is worried about is you getting your he...
Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, whom apparently the drink was named after
Phil: Oh come, they were funny
Claire: They kept grabbing my butt
Phil: Somebody is full of herself. It's a Colombian wedding tradition.. they said
- Permalink: My mom started drinking these c**ktails called horny Colombians ...
Jay and I are buds, for sure, but with kind of um, an invisible, asterisk. Um, he's not the, he's not a talker, or, or hugger. Once he ran over my foot with his car. But in his defense, he had just given up smoking, but basically we're buds
- Permalink: Jay and I are buds, for sure, but with kind of um, an invisible,...
Phil: If things have gone differently in my life I could have been a pilot.... What would happen if you turn the remote off and on right again?
Jay: Yeah, you would have made a great pilot
- Permalink: If things have gone differently in my life I could have been a p...
Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I'm all about taking it to the next level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the next level. Did you really not know that?
- Permalink: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his g...
Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No, no way. Not while my wife is still alive
- Permalink: Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No, no way. ...
Phil: Kids, get down here!
Haley: Why are you guys yelling at us? We were way upstairs, just text me.
Claire: Alright, that's not going to happen and...wow, you're not wearing that outfit.
Haley: What's wrong with it?
Claire [to Phil]: Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?
Phil: Sorry. Oh yeah, it looks really cute sweetheart.
Claire [to Haley]: No, it's way too short. People know you're a girl; you don't need to prove it to them
- Permalink: Kids, get down here! Why are you guys yelling at us? We were w...