Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern-family

I was gonna tell Claire about the dog. I was just waiting until she was in the right mood. Actually, I did get one right mood a couple nights ago... but I cashed that in for something else.

Phil: How did Scout get your bra?
Claire: Well, we were out on a date, and he has a really nice car, so — how do you think? He got it from the laundry basket.

Phil: We're like two peas in a pod, or Siamese twins, a snake with two heads!
Claire: They've actually been all those things for Halloween.

I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers; it turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Phil: Dad, what's up?
Frank: Nothing, but these boxers are starting to ride high.
Phil: I'm in no mood for jokes... although that was a good one. You still got it.

A relationship with your father-in-law is tough. You need to prove you can stand up to him, while being respectful. It's like walking a tightrope, which by the way I can do, because I went to trapeze school.

I'm gonna introduce him to the Captain... and Tenille.

Let's show these guys what kind of team they're about to beat.

One day I'm gonna be a grandfather and then everybody better hide their meat.

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