This stuff's really hitting me. My insides feel like velvet.

If I never wake up, I'd hate for the last thing you ever said to me to be a lie.

We raised our kids right. One of them will come forward, or the other two will rat them out.

Claire: We're gonna pass into legend. The parents who canceled Christmas.
Phil: I thought you'd be happy.
Claire: They'll write songs about us. They'll make a Christmas special with those ugly little clay pieces.

Phil: I can forgive the smoking, but I can't forgive the lie.
[Claire glares at him]
Phil: Or the smoking.

I guess the couch did it to itself. I guess it came home after a tough day, lit up a cigarette and burned itself. Is that what happened? Because that makes no sense.

Phil: Goodbye Dunphy Christmas. Haley, I guess you're not getting that car.
Haley: I was getting a car?
Phil: No, I was lying. Because that's what Dunphys do now, we're liars.

Claire [to kids]: Which one of you was smoking?
Phil: Not me, I have a respiratory problem.
Claire: Obviously, not you.

Phil: Where's mom?
Phil's Dad: Mom is sinking fast.... she's in the bath tub.

You have nothing to fear, but fear itself... and the concrete.

Let me know if you run low on supplies, I'll take a quick trip to the 1950s for you.

Phil: I need the scariest reptile you got.
Jungle Tanya: I have an iguana that eats crickets.
Phile: That would be scary if it was a bday for crickets. Seriously Jungle Tanya, I need you to step it up a notch. Is there anything that scares the coocoo out of you?
Jungle Tanya: Not really. I do have a bearded dragon...
Phil: Ooh!
Jungle Tanya: No, it doesn't breath fire.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Cameron: If I wasn't in school or fishing, I was clowning. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, Auguste, a whiteface, and a character. I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo.
Mitchell: Between the clowning and the fishing, I'm surprised you had time for the schooling. Aww, there's the fifth type, the sad clown.
Cameron: A sad clown is a tramp.. so there's still only four types.