You have nothing to fear, but fear itself... and the concrete.

Let me know if you run low on supplies, I'll take a quick trip to the 1950s for you.

Phil: I need the scariest reptile you got.
Jungle Tanya: I have an iguana that eats crickets.
Phile: That would be scary if it was a bday for crickets. Seriously Jungle Tanya, I need you to step it up a notch. Is there anything that scares the coocoo out of you?
Jungle Tanya: Not really. I do have a bearded dragon...
Phil: Ooh!
Jungle Tanya: No, it doesn't breath fire.

Phil: Luke's not much of a clown fan.
Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?
Phil: Has anyone?

Sorry I fell asleep while you were describing the most boring party ever.

Phil [about Luke]: He's one of those kids you get him a gift and all he wants to do is play with the box.
Claire: One year we just got him a box, a really nice box
Phil: And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.
Claire: So he played with the gift bag.
Phil: We can't get it right.

I never liked Spandau Ballet. Our entire marriage, I never once mentioned Spandau Ballet. Am I even pronouncing that right?

Haley is so pretty. So she can meet someone who's the best at something

Phil [about Luke]: I'm telling you that kid is a genius, there's a rainmaker
Claire: Why is your iPod in your mouth?
Luke: I'm charging it
Claire: Alex. Alex!

Claire: Getting everybody out of the house in the morning can be really tough. Especially the first day of school.
Phil: From the moment we get up at seven until we drop them off at school it is: go go go.
Claire: I get up at six.
Phil [mocking]: I get up at five.
Claire: Seriously, I get up at six.
Phil: That's you? I thought we had a racoon

Claire: Phil, let it go, I'm faster than you
Phil: If only there was some way we could settle this once and for all, but how?
Claire: You seriously want to race me? I ran a half-marathon last year
Phil: Okay, I'm half scared
Claire: Okay, we do need to do this. I'll go change

Phil: Well, there's book smart and then there's street smart.
Claire: Yeah, and then there's Luke.
Phil: Oh, he's just, he's just curious, that's all. He's got this, almost, scientific mind with a thirst for knowledge. He's like this little Einstein. Some people ask "Why?" Luke asks, "Why not?"
Claire: I ask why a lot

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

His turn offs are farms, Fizbo, and worst of all Farmbo.

Claire [about Mitchell]