Professor Farnsworth Quotes
Farnsworth: But suppose we send a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault line betwen this mass of coffee grounds and this deposit of America Online floppy disks.
Military Man: In theory, it could work.
Wernstrom: Uh, in theory, perhaps. But you'll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous.
Bender: Oh crap!
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes: Why can't they go today?
Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want all of you to be alive.
Farnsworth: It's the Academy of Inventors' annual symposium.
Fry: Wow! I love symposia.
Farnsworth: It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention and the best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender: Sounds boring.
Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes.
Farnsworth: Behold! The death clock. Simply jam your finger in the hole and this read-out tells you exactly how long you have left to live.
Leela: Does it really work?
Farnsworth: Well it's occasionally off by a few seconds. What with free will and all.
Fry: Sounds like fun. How long do I have left to live?
He puts his finger in the hole and the clock dings
Bender: Ooh! Dibs on his CD player!
Fry: Who's that jerk?
Farnsworth: A hundred years ago he was my most promising student at Mars University. But then, after one fateful pop-quiz...
Flashback
Wernstrom: A-minus? No one gives Ogden Wernstrom an A-minus!
Farnsworth: I'm sorry, but penmanship counts.
Wernstrom: I swear I'll have my revenge even if it takes me a hundred years.
Flashback ends
Farnsworth: And here it is: Slightly over 99 years later and still no revenge. I'm essentially in the clear.
Farnsworth: Uh, yes, here I am, OK, now, hello there. Now, we all know telescopes allow us to see distant objects. But what if we want to smell distant objects? Well now we can! Thanks to my new invention ... the Smellescope.
Man: Oh, I say!
Farnsworth: The odour travels past this coffee stain here, around the olive pit and into this cigar burn. And this appears to be a doodle of myself as a cowboy... But the Smellescope is brilliant, I tell you! Think of the astronomical odours you'll smell thanks to me.
Farnsworth: Perhaps 149 is just too old to be a scientist.
Bender: Yep!
Fry: No, Professor, don't give up. There were plenty of times in my century when I was gonna give up but I never did. Never! Hey, are you even listening to me? Oh, I give up!
Farnsworth: Eureka!
Fry: Did you build the Smellescope?
Farnsworth: No, I remembered that I'd built one last year.
Farnsworth: Remarkable! A stench so foul it's right off the Funk-o-Meter. I dare say Fry may have discovered the smelliest object in the known universe.
Bender: Ooh! Ooh! Name it after me!
Farnsworth: My God! Whatever it is, it's headed straight for us. With enough force to reduce this entire city to a stinky crater. We have less than 72 hours.
Bender: Well, let's get looting!
(After watching an online movie on the solution to the garbage problem in New York)
Fry: Wow. You got that off the internet? In my day, the internet was only used to download pornography.
Farnsworth: Actually, that's still true.
(In the movie)
Female Scientist / Porn Star: Now that the garbage is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions?
Male Scientist / Porn Star: With gusto.
So that's the situation. Due to the short-sightedness of Old New York, New New York is going to be destroyed by a giant ball of garbage.
