Sick people wanted me, dying people wanted to be me--I was the total candy striping package.

Coach: Do people call you 'Marketing'?
Schmidt: No...not yet...

She's looking for career advice, and your job could be done by a vending machine.

When I think of teachers, I think of two things--Jessica Day, and pornography...where one of the characters is...a teacher.

Schmidt: Camping?
Winston: Like we're animals?!

She's on a flip-phone. That means she's either poor, or a time traveler!

Hi there. I'm about to ruin a date and don't want to show up empty-handed.

Did I leave my Oakland Raiders yarmulke over there?

And it was you, not Keaton, who told me that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants?

My mom? You're going to tell me that my mom helped me with my public erections? I drew pictures!

I just got a treat, too. It's not candy. I'm not a dumb little baby like you.

Schmidt: Have you ever dated two women at once?
Rabbi: What are you talking about? I went to camp. They used to call me the octopus.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Nadia: Jew in the couch!
CeCe: Nadia, American manners!
Nadia: Sorry. Jew person in couch.
Schmidt: She's not wrong.