You can't outrun the Jewish!

My face touched the mustache of a corpse today, Bobby. I'm not afraid of you.

Maybe none of us should go to this funeral. The early buzz on this thing is it's gonna be a real drag.

Don't laugh when they call him "responsible," they don't know why it's hilarious.

There are plenty of things to be down about--the deficit, air pollution in China, "The Hobbit" wasn't very good...

Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.

Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis.

Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!

Cece: I'm still marrying an Indian guy.
Schmidt: Sure, but you went home with a Jew in a turban. I'm just saying.

Get your crap together, India. Schmidt... out!

Schmidt: Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I've got a twist ending for you: shut up

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Cece: You look like a character from The Love Guru.
Schmidt: Aw, thank you.

New Girl Quotes

Beans are nothing but soggy nuts!

Schmidt

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt