I'm going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting a remote control out of the couch.
I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.
Shivrang's Aunt: Who is this?
Schmidt: I'm Gerard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I'm Schmidt.
Please take that off, you look like a homeless pencil.
Nick: Schmidt, I have to ask you a favor. It's about my clothes.
Schmidt: Burn them! Burn them all!
Schmidt: Here are some things you want to hide about yourself on tonight's date--you're cheap, you're a heavy drinker, you're broke, you have a problem with anger.
Winston: Your car is horrible.
You can't outrun the Jewish!
My face touched the mustache of a corpse today, Bobby. I'm not afraid of you.
Maybe none of us should go to this funeral. The early buzz on this thing is it's gonna be a real drag.
Don't laugh when they call him "responsible," they don't know why it's hilarious.
There are plenty of things to be down about--the deficit, air pollution in China, "The Hobbit" wasn't very good...
Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.