You can't outrun the Jewish!
My face touched the mustache of a corpse today, Bobby. I'm not afraid of you.
Maybe none of us should go to this funeral. The early buzz on this thing is it's gonna be a real drag.
Don't laugh when they call him "responsible," they don't know why it's hilarious.
There are plenty of things to be down about--the deficit, air pollution in China, "The Hobbit" wasn't very good...
Schmidt: Does it say "share stuff" in the Constitution of America? No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say?
Nick: Don't share stuff.
Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis.
Jess: Where are your nipples, man?
Schmidt: I'll never tell!
Cece: I'm still marrying an Indian guy.
Schmidt: Sure, but you went home with a Jew in a turban. I'm just saying.
Get your crap together, India. Schmidt... out!
Schmidt: Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I've got a twist ending for you: shut up
Cece: You look like a character from The Love Guru.
Schmidt: Aw, thank you.