Schmidt: No sig oths.
Cece: Just say "significant others."
Schmidt: Maybe you have that kind of time, but I'm on a tight sched.
I wouldn't even begin to know how to steal a swag.
Look at this puzzle. It's "ages 6 and up." You are "up," Winston. You are very "up."
Where have you been? I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?
Puzzle me this then, Winston-- how do you live with yourself?
Elizabeth: There are so many cool traditions at this thing! The groom comes in on a white horse!
Schmidt: So, basically, they're just copying my bar mitzvah.
It's only romantic because it's a wedding. I'd be just as happy to sabotage, I don't know, let's say, her tax audit.
Schmidt: A tuxedo is different from a suit.
Nick: It is??!!
Cece: I thought I threw that thing out the window.
Schmidt: That only made it stronger.
I'm going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting a remote control out of the couch.
I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano's phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.
Shivrang's Aunt: Who is this?
Schmidt: I'm Gerard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I'm Schmidt.