The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXSelma Bouvier Quotes
Patty: (to Marge) Your blood pressure is off the chart.
Selma: And I don't like this urine sample one bit.
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our Honeymoon!
Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now! Be honest.... (Patty's hand goes up)
Patty: Aaah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
Puppets: Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you, I'll have a Duff, you have one too! Duff beer for me, Duff beer for you, I'll have a Duff, you have one too!
Bart: I want to get off.
Selma: No, you can't get off. We have five more continents to visit.
Surly: Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy...Surly!
Selma: Oh, sorry Surly.
Surly: Shut up.
Selma: So, wearing a belt, are you?
Kid: Uh-huh.
Selma: No suspenders for you.
Kid: I guess not.
Selma: Orange is really your color.
Kid: They make us wear this.
Selma: Shall we continue this conversation over dinner?
Kid: Uh...I'm not allowed to date customers. It's store policy.
Arnold: No, it isn't.
The Monorail Song
Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!
(audience laughs)
Homer: Heh heh! Mule.
Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! (audience gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map!
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail! ...
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty & Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
(crowd chants "Monorail" softly and rhythmically)
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll all be given cushy jobs.
Grampa: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
All: Monorail!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
All: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
Homer: Mono... D'oh!
(Marge, Patty and Selma are clipping discount coupons.)
Patty: Buy three tubes of Mister Blister, get one free.
(The phone rings. Marge answers)
Marge: Hello. Yes? Oh my Lord!" (Hangs up) Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart!
Patty: Oh my God!
Selma: What?
Patty: Five cents off wax paper!
(Selma slaps her cheek in amazement)
Selma: Hey Bart, want a dollar? Uh uh uh, you know what I wanna hear.
Bart: I'm a little teapot short and stout, this is my handle this is my spout. The incy wincy spider went up the water spout...
Selma: Oh yeah! Love that spout medley.
Patty: Ha, ha, ha.
Selma: What's so funny?
Patty: I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the toaster.
Selma: We'll watch the tape tonight.
Enclosed is a photo of us on a bike. I forget which one I am.
Selma: And here's another breathtaking sight... my brand new hubby!
Sideshow Bob: I wanted a room with a fireplace you blasted monkey... Oh Selma dear... I was just chatting with my good friend... Dennis! Now, smile for the camera, there's a good lad!
