Susan Mayer Quotes
Edie: You said you two were finished. You thought he was a murderer.
Susan: And that was your cue to come over and flirt?! You wasted your time... and your doughnuts.
Edie: Not if you choke on them
Zach: Ms. Mayer, I am so sorry. It's just, one pebble wasn't working, so I tried a whole handful.
Susan: Ow, ow.
Zach: Look, I'll make it up to you.
Susan: Oh, how? Are you gonna give me your corneas?
Julie: Mom, lay back.
Zach: I just wanted to talk to Julie. She hasn't been returning my phone calls.
Julie: Well, I'm here now. What do you want?
Zach: Come on, Julie. I just want to see you again. You know, talk, hang out.
Julie: Maybe it would be better if we just cooled it for a while, okay?
Zach: Why?
Susan: Well, you just threw rocks in her mother's face. How's that for a start?
Susan: Could you not flirt with the ice cream man?
Sophie: Why not?
Susan: Do you need a reason besides he's the ice cream man?
Edie: Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons.
Susan: He just wants to buy me a burrito
Edie [to Bill]: Your foreman said that you were out on a date with a hottie. Evidently, someone's in need of Lasik.
Susan: You tracked us down.
Edie: Oh, well, it wasn't hard. I just followed the stench of betrayal. We had an agreement, Susan.
Susan: No, we didn't. You know I just said what you wanted to hear because you guilted me into it.
Edie: I was trying to protect our already fragile friendship.
Bill: Am I in the middle of something here?
Edie: Not anymore. You... (to Susan) ...I will hate forever. And you... (to Bill) ...are fired.
Susan: Edie!
Bill: You're firing me because I'm going out with Susan?
Edie: Yes, and before you start whining that dating her is punishment enough, save it
Susan: Do you believe in evil Edie?
Edie: Of course I do, I work in real estate
Every time we went out for pizza you could have said, "Oh, and by the way, I once killed a man." Or when you said, "Hey, let's go jogging," you could have said, "Wow, by the way, I once killed a man." Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy you could have turned to me and said, "Oh, by the way, I did that once." You didn't!
Susan: Oh, God, you scared me.
Mike: How'd it go?
Susan: It went just peachy, and humiliating, and shocking.
Mike: Susan...
Susan: How could you? God, "Susan, do you trust me?" "Yes, of course I do." Oh, I'm such an idiot, and you're such a liar. Oh, and apparently a killer, and a drug dealer. That's just quite a personal ad you've got going there.
Mike: Susan, I came to Wisteria Lane--
Susan: Stop! Stop, Mike, just stop. If you keep talking, you're gonna work your way into my heart and I just don't want you anywhere near my heart. Ever
Zach: Hey. You know that Julie is the first girl I ever gave a flower to?
Susan: Really.
Zach: Yeah. Yeah, I really like her, Ms. Mayer
Susan: Listen, I know being dramatic is the birthright of every teenager, but come on...
Zach [throwing furniture around]: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!!?? DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Susan: (harshly) Thank you, Zach. You have just made this really easy for me. You are now forbidden from seeing or talking to my daughter ever again! And if you come within ten feet of her, I will call the police, and I will have you arrested! Now get out!
Zach: Ms. Mayer! Hey, is Julie home?
Susan: She's in the shower.
Zach: Oh. Well, I just came by to give her some good news.
Susan: What's that?
Zach: Well, it turns out my Dad and I aren't moving after all.
Susan: What?
Zach: Yeah. He reconsidered, so I guess we're going to keep living across the street.
Susan: Okay. Wow, uh, wow. You know, uh, can you sit down? I need, uh, to talk to you
Julie: Mom!
Susan: What is going on here? Were you just kissing my daughter?
Zach: I...uh...a little.
Susan: What are you thinking?
Julie: Mom, calm down.
Susan: She's only fourteen!
Zach: Yeah. I should, I should probably be going.
Susan: You think?
